In today’s Gospel, we hear, over and over, the word “see”.  The disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord (Jn 20:20).  They tell Thomas: “We have seen the Lord” (v. 25).  But the Gospel does not describe how they saw him; it does not describe the risen Jesus.  It simply mentions one detail: “He showed them his hands and his side” (v. 20).  It is as if the Gospel wants to tell us that that is how the disciples recognized Jesus: through his wounds.  The same thing happened to Thomas.  He too wanted to see “the mark of the nails in his hands” (v. 25), and after seeing, he believed (v. 27).

Despite his lack of faith, we should be grateful to Thomas, because he was not content to hear from others that Jesus was alive, or merely to see him in the flesh.  He wanted to see inside, to touch with his hand the Lord’s wounds, the signs of his love.  The Gospel calls Thomas Didymus (v. 24), meaning the Twin, and in this, he is truly our twin brother.  Because for us too, it isn’t enough to know that God exists.  A God who is risen but remains distant does not fill our lives; an aloof God does not attract us, however just and holy he may be.  No, we too need to “see God”, to touch him with our hands and to know that he is risen, and risen for us.

How can we see him?  Like the disciples: through his wounds.  Gazing upon those wounds, the disciples understood the depth of his love.  They understood that he had forgiven them, even though some had denied him and abandoned him. To enter into Jesus’ wounds is to contemplate the boundless love flowing from his heart. This is the way. It is to realize that his heart beats for me, for you, for each one of us.  Dear brothers and sisters, we can consider ourselves Christians, call ourselves Christians and speak about the many beautiful values of faith, but, like the disciples, we need to see Jesus by touching his love.  Only thus can we go to the heart of the faith and, like the disciples, find peace and joy (cf. vv. 19-20) beyond all doubt.

Thomas, after seeing the Lord’s wounds, cried out: “My Lord and my God!” (v. 28).  I would like to reflect on the adjective that Thomas repeats: my.  It is a possessive adjective.  When we think about it, it might seem inappropriate to use it of God.  How can God be mine?  How can I make the Almighty mine?  The truth is, by saying my, we do not profane God, but honor his mercy.  Because God wished to “become ours”.  As in a love story, we tell him: “You became man for me, you died and rose for me and thus you are not only God; you are my God, you are my life.  In you, I have found the love that I was looking for, and much more than I could ever have imagined”.

God takes no offense at being “ours” because love demands confidence, mercy demands trust.  At the very beginning of the Ten Commandments, God said: “I am the Lord your God” (Ex 20:2), and reaffirmed: “I, the Lord your God am a jealous God” (v. 5).  Here we see how God presents himself as a jealous lover who calls himself your God.  From the depths of Thomas’s heart comes the reply: “My Lord and my God!”  As today we enter, through Christ’s wounds, into the mystery of God, we come to realize that mercy is not simply one of his qualities among others, but the very beating of his heart.  Then, like Thomas, we no longer live as disciples, uncertain, devout but wavering.  We too fall in love with the Lord!  We must not be afraid of these words: to fall in love with the Lord.

How can we savor this love?  How can we touch today with our hand the mercy of Jesus?  Again, the Gospel offers a clue, when it stresses that the very evening of Easter (cf. v. 19), soon after rising from the dead, Jesus begins by granting the Spirit for the forgiveness of sins.  To experience love, we need to begin there: to let ourselves be forgiven.  To let ourselves be forgiven.  I ask myself, and each one of you: do I allow myself to be forgiven?  To experience that love, we need to begin there.  Do I allow myself to be forgiven?  “But, Father, going to confession may seem difficult…”.  Before God we are tempted to do what the disciples did in the Gospel: to barricade ourselves behind closed doors.  They did it out of fear, yet we too can be afraid, ashamed to open our hearts and confess our sins.  May the Lord grant us the grace to understand shame, to see it not as a closed door, but as the first step towards an encounter.  When we feel ashamed, we should be grateful: this means that we do not accept evil, and that is good.  Shame is a secret invitation of the soul that needs the Lord to overcome evil.  The tragedy is when we are no longer ashamed of anything.  Let us not be afraid to experience shame!  Let us pass from shame to forgiveness!  Do not be afraid to be ashamed!  Do not be afraid.

But there is still one door that remains closed before the Lord’s forgiveness, the door of resignation.  Resignation is always a closed door.  The disciples experienced it at Easter when they recognized with disappointment how everything appeared to go back to what it had been before.  They were still in Jerusalem, disheartened; the “Jesus chapter” of their lives seemed finished, and after having spent so much time with him, nothing had changed, they were resigned.  We too might think: “I’ve been a Christian for all this time, but nothing has changed in me; I keep committing the same sins”.  Then, in discouragement, we give up on mercy.  But the Lord challenges us: “Don’t you believe that my mercy is greater than your misery?  Are you a backslider?  Then be a backslider in asking for mercy, and we will see who comes out on top”.  In any event, – and anyone who is familiar with the sacrament of Reconciliation knows this – it isn’t true that everything remains the way it was.  Every time we are forgiven, we are reassured and encouraged, because each time we experience more love, and more embraced by the Father.  And when we fall again, precisely because we are loved, we experience even greater sorrow – a beneficial sorrow that slowly detaches us from sin. Then we discover that the power of life is to receive God’s forgiveness and to go forward from forgiveness to forgiveness.  This is how life goes:  from shame to shame, from forgiveness to forgiveness.  This is the Christian life.

After the shame and resignation, there is another closed door.  Sometimes it is even ironclad: our sin, the same sin.  When I commit a grave sin, if I, in all honesty, do not want to forgive myself, why should God forgive me?  This door, however, is only closed on one side, our own; but for God, no door is ever completely closed.  As the Gospel tells us, he loves to enter precisely, as we heard, “through closed doors”, when every entrance seems barred.  There God works his wonders.  He never chooses to abandon us; we are the ones who keep him out.  But when we make our confession, something unheard-of happens: we discover that the very sin that kept us apart from the Lord becomes the place where we encounter him.  There the God who is wounded by love comes to meet our wounds.  He makes our wretched wounds like his own glorious wounds.  There is a transformation: my wretched wounds resemble his glorious wounds.  Because he is mercy and works wonders in our wretchedness.  Let us today, like Thomas, implore the grace to acknowledge our God: to find in his forgiveness our joy, and to find in his mercy our hope.

© Libreria Editrice Vatican

One of the most common laments I hear from parents after divorce is the loss of quality time with their kids. That is understandable. The time they had with their kids is reduced, whether they are the custodial parent or not.

While this challenge is experienced by both parents, it is more acute for the non-custodial parent. The same holds true for the suggested ways to address this challenge. These will apply to either parent but will be particularly useful for the non-custodial parent.

Here are some of the ways you can spend more time with your kids:

Move Closer

When divorce hits, one of the parents is moving out. Typically, it is the non-custodial parent, as the courts favor minimizing the number of changes for the kids. It is really hard to spend more time with your kids if you have to drive an hour across town to see them. That automatically whacks two hours of available time off the top.

Move as close as you can to your kids. While right next door might be a little too close for comfort for your former spouse, I recommend a mile or two away. The point is, you want to be within 10-15 minutes max of drive time. Ideally, you should be close enough that the kids can ride their bikes to see you. (If kids still even do that any more — but you get my point.)

Being closer will naturally create more opportunities for you to see them, and for them to see you. If you are convenient to their primary residence, you just might get asked by your former spouse if he/she can drop off the kids for “just an hour or two” while they: (fill in the blank).

I already hear the excuses from some of you why this is not possible. Sorry, I am not buying them. I would rather the extra hour you drive each day be to your work than to your kids.  Being in close proximity to your kids will almost magically create more opportunities to see them. Being closer to work, won’t. Sorry.

Get a Job Where You Can Work at Home/Flexible Hours

More so than ever, work can be done just about anywhere you have power and an internet connection. If you don’t believe me, just head over to your local Starbucks some weekday, say around 11 a.m., and see how many adults are in there hunched over their laptops and on their phones. This is great news for you.

If you don’t have a job that allows you work remotely, or has flexible working hours, now is the time to get one. Before you start thinking up all the excuses why this is not possible, remember all your talk about how your kids come first in your life. Now is the time to prove it. I know getting another job can be a total hassle, but you will thank me ten years from now when you look back and see how you were able to be much more available to your kids because you made some hard choices to align your career around their needs. The time is now to make those changes.

Volunteer In Their School

Just this morning, I got an email from my third grader’s teacher looking for volunteers for a classroom activity. It is from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. These opportunities pop-up fairly often. So, if you live in the kids’ school district, you will naturally be in close proximity to their school, and you can take advantage of the opportunities for great interactive time. Trust me, your kids are going to fondly remember how often you dropped in to see them at school; it is a treat for them, sure to warm their hurting hearts.

If you have flexibility in your job AND live nearby to your kids, you will be able to take advantage of the recurring opportunities to volunteer in their school.

Schools are always looking for dads to volunteer, especially for field trips. There are never enough dads to help with the boys. A male presence is so helpful (and much appreciated) with things like restroom breaks and dealing with rowdy boys. Once you start volunteering you will become the “go-to” person for future events. I know this from personal experience.

I was blessed to be able to volunteer often at my kid’s school. One time I volunteered to help at a Book Fair. The woman heading it up could not believe that a dad actually volunteered, and she paraded me around to all the kids saying, “Look, boys and girls, we actually have a dad here today to help us. Isn’t that wonderful?! A dad is here.” While I felt a little bit like the freak at the freak show, it sadly underscored the fact that too few dads are taking the time to engage with their kids at school.

Take advantage of this time while your kids are young enough to want you there. Once middle school hits, you’re toast.

Coach Their Sports Team

If your kids love to play soccer, chances are they are spending a lot of time, well, playing soccer. If you want to grab some of that time and share it with them, there is no better way than coaching their sports team. As crazy as it sounds, prior experience is often NOT a requirement. I learned this quite by accident.

I volunteered to assist with my son’s soccer team a few years ago. My version of volunteering (and what I penciled in on the form) was to basically be a water boy. I was happy to bring snacks, drinks, and help with communications. I know this may be hard to believe, but I know almost nothing about soccer. Surprising, I know, but true. You see, I am a little on the, well, “older side.” Soccer was not a thing when I was a kid. That is why I was happy to just be a grunt for the team. Well, surprise, surprise, they were running short on coaches, so the guy that heads up the league called me and convinced me that I could easily handle the coaching duties because he was going to pair me up with someone who had coached before. Yeah, right! The guy they paired me with knew little more than I did!

Well, the season was a disaster, BUT I got to spend lots of extra time with my kid. And so can you when you volunteer to coach. Remember, having experience is rarely necessary.

Teach Their PSR Class

Like coaching sports, most parishes are scrambling to find PSR (a/k/a CCD, a/k/a Catechism) teachers. And, also like coaching, having experience is rarely necessary. Hopefully, you have a leg up because you have been living your Catholic faith for a while, but again, most parishes have a ready-made program. All you have to do is open the book to that week’s lesson, and, BAM!, you’re a PSR teacher.

Like coaching, this will give you weekly opportunities for extra time with your kid(s).

Become a Scout Leader

Ok, continuing on the theme… Like sports and PSR, most scouting programs are hungry for leaders. Like my soccer experience, I volunteered to be the assistant leader for my son’s Cub Scout den. No prior experience there, either. And get this: I was also a “helper” for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop. It was a little awkward being the only dad in the mandatory training — but, hey, for my kid…

One of the big bonuses for being a scout leader is CAMPING TRIPS! These are great opportunities to spend lots of extra time with your kids. Plus, the other parent can’t limit this time. It is all yours with your kids.

And for all you single parents who think that moms can’t be involved in Boy Scouts or dads are shut out from Girl Scouts, it’s simply not true. I was on a Father-Son overnight camping trip this past summer with my son and about 25% of the “dads” where actually moms.

All of this is great news for single-parents trying to spend more time with their kids.

Go to Your Kid’s Events

I know, that in some situations, the custodial parent can be quite hostile to the other parent seeing their kids on all but the scheduled visitation times. This can really limit the potential for extra time. Hopefully, some of the other strategies I have mentioned will help.

If all else fails, just go to your kid’s stuff. You don’t need anyone’s permission to go see Johnny play basketball or watch Susie in her school play. The point is, there are usually plenty of opportunities for you to spend time with your kids and/or stay plugged into their lives outside of the “visitation schedule.”

Think Outside the Box

Too often I hear from non-custodial parents that they are restricted from spending time with their kids because of the visitation schedule, and yet, they don’t even think about the many ways they can stay actively involved in their kids’ lives outside of the schedule. Think outside the box! You will make your kids happy, and years from now, you will be so glad you made the sacrifices.

Here’s What the Church Teaches

One thing that many parents get wrong when going through a divorce is disclosing too much information to their kids. I am referring mainly to details involving the shortcomings of the other parent.

For many of the same reasons as to why you should not criticize the other parent, disclosing the sins of the other parent to the kids creates significant anxiety for them. Plus, disclosing information to the kids when they are not emotionally ready to receive it can cause even more harm.

A good strategy for dealing with questions from the kids is to defer to the other parent. Simply say, “You may want to ask your father/mother about that.” This gives the other parent the opportunity to get involved in the discussion and respects the relationship they have with their child(ren).

Our Lord has some great advice when it comes to disclosing information:

“For there is nothing hidden except to be made visible, nothing is secret except to come to light.” – Mark 4:22

What Jesus is urging us to understand is that nothing will remain secret forever. He is inviting you to trust Him to determine when information is to be revealed. His timing is perfect, and if we decide to take matters into our own hands, we could very well be derailing our Lord’s plans.

Other Strategies

Helping children cope with your divorce is one of the biggest challenges you will face. In my blog article, Essential Keys to Recovering from Divorce: Your Kids, I address five other strategies for helping your kids, including: if you should acknowledge your grief and sadness, when to get them involved in major decisions, and why being consistent and predictable is so important. Our kids did not ask for divorce to be thrust into their lives. It is up to us as parents to help them in every way to cope and heal from it.

Question:

Are you facing questions from your kids about their other parent’s behavior? How did you handle it? How did they receive it? Anything you would do differently? Please share your thoughts below.

Well, that is what mid-week visitation is like. You try and cram twenty-four hours into three. You try and relax and enjoy your kids, taking them out to eat and doing something fun along with the typical day-in-the-life stuff, like homework and sports practice. What so often starts off with the best intentions usually ends up with everyone stressed to the max and no one being happy.

You want to be present to your kids. You want them to enjoy this limited time with you. So, what usually happens is you chuck doing the boring stuff like homework and opt instead to relax and enjoy the precious little time you have. Then the crap hits the fan…

So you bring little Johnny and precious Susie back home (30 minutes late) to the searing glare of the other parent. Then you have to be the bearer of bad news and inform them that, “Sorry, we did not get around to the homework. But the kids had a great time and they are fed!” This usually does not win you any brownie points, and typically results in just digging a bigger hole.

You leave feeling like you just got detention from the principal and your kids have to serve it. Just not good.

There Is a Better Way

Wondering if there is a way to connect with your kids each week where it is a win for everyone, including the other parent? The great news is that there is! Let me explain…

Mid-week visits are doomed from the start. Clearly, the person that ever thought this up was not divorced. While the intention of staying connected with your kids each week is a good one, trying to cram an entire week of Q-time and real life into three hours is not. One little change can make all the difference.

Chuck the Mid-week Visit

I suggest eliminating the mid-week visit altogether. Yup, you heard me — bag that sucker! Instead, replace it with a Friday overnight visit. This has so many advantages.

Advantage #1: It gives more quality time for you and your kids
By picking up your kids after school on Friday and not having to return them until sometime the next morning, gives 18+ hours of time. That is six times better than the typical mid-week visit.

Advantage #2: You don’t have to deal with homework
Since it is a Friday night, you don’t (typically) have to worry about homework. And, even if you did, you have a lot more time to get it done. Can you say, “Less stress?!”

Advantage #3: It is a much more relaxing time
The combination of having more time and not having to deal with homework makes for a truly relaxing time. Instead of rushing the kids through some fast-food drive-thru so you can still have time for fun, you can take your time and actually enjoy a meal together AND still have plenty of time for fun. Plus, they are all sleeping at your house. Aren’t sleep-overs more fun anyway?

Advantage #4: It does not disrupt the kids’ week
Kids need routine — this is even truer after divorce since divorce forces so many changes into a kid’s life. The mid-week visit blows a hole in the normal routine. The typical homework-dinner-bath-bed routine is thrown out the window each week creating stress for everyone. The Friday overnight eliminates this disruption. A bonus for everyone.

Advantage #5: The other parent has extra time off each week
Not sure how important this is to you, but I will tell you that you will have a much more compliant and cooperative former spouse if you can remove some stress from their life. The Friday overnight does just that. It is like giving them a mid-week break, too. They get every Friday night off from the daily grind of the kids, plus they don’t have to pick up the fallout that the mid-week visit normally leaves behind. This is sure to put them in a much happier mood. That’s known as win-win, my friend.

Moving Forward

Just to clarify, when you shift to the Friday night visitation, this means that the non-custodial parent will have the kids overnight every Friday night; it replaces the weekly mid-week visitation. If your divorce decree specifies a mid-week visitation, you may need to get this change in writing, but my experience is that when something has the support of both parties, it can be handled informally. If in doubt, check with your attorney.

Pick a Convenient Time and Place

Lastly, you will want to arrange a common meeting place/time to bring the kids back on the Saturdays when you don’t have them for the weekend. I have found that sports practices or other routine Saturday events are convenient times and places to make that happen. For me, my kids had horseback riding every Saturday morning, so I would meet their mom there and pick up the kids from her then. I was going to be there anyway, so it worked great. Plus, I was able to get the kids back early enough so it did not blow a hole in the day. With a little tweaking, you can make the Friday overnight simple, smooth, and enjoyable for everyone.

It Matthew’s recounting of the feeding of the five thousand, the apostles were overwhelmed at the prospect of having to feed so many people with only five loaves of bread and two fish. They clearly had a big problem.

When presented with significant problems, many of us tend to consider only what we can do on our own to solve the problem. That is a very narrow perspective that has a very limiting result. This is what happened with the apostles. Jesus told them to “give them something to eat” and they freaked out.  They were only thinking of what they could do, totally ignoring Jesus being God and His infinite power. The proper solution to the problem was to feed everyone. The only way to get from problem to a real, lasting, resolution was to turn to Christ and depend on him to make up for what they lacked. They were thinking small and it very significantly limited their power. Once they bring Christ into the situation, the impossible became possible. Christ is the key ingredient to making big things happen. Remember that. Otherwise, you will tend to think small and your problems/challenges are never properly resolved. Instead, think big and turn to Christ to make up the difference for what you lack. Expect him to show up. He so wants to!

Originally posted 2011-08-11 10:01:09.

1. Get a prayer life!

The most fundamental way to tap the power of your Catholic faith is through prayer. Catholics knows at least half-a-dozen prayers ranging from the Hail Mary, the Glory Be, the Memorare, the Angelus, etc. Those prayers are wonderful and should be prayed often. The rosary and Divine Mercy chaplet are also excellent ways to reflect on God’s love for us and trust Him more fully.

There is another type of prayer that is very powerful: meditative prayer. Meditative prayer allows you to better understand the why and how of Christian life so you might live it more fully. While there are many books and materials you can choose to meditate on, the Scriptures, particularly the Gospels, are a great place to start. Take 15-30 minutes in a quiet place-in front of the Blessed Sacrament is always a perfect place-and read a passage from one of the Gospels. Daily Gospel readings are excellent for this. As you read, be aware of a word or phrase that jumps out at you. Typically, this is how the Holy Spirit prompts you. Dialogue with Christ on what that prompting means in your life. End your mediation with a commitment for the day that will help you to more fully live the Gospel message revealed to you.

2. Let the Holy Spirt Be Your Guide

Christ promised to never abandon us (John 4:18) and He fulfilled his promise with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is always present to us. Unfortunately, we are often not open to His loving guidance. We tend to block the Holy Spirit with our own pride that tells us we know best. Another way we block the influence of the Holy Spirit is through sin. Sin is like mud on a windshield. The more we sin, the more we block our view of the path God has laid out for us. Eventually we end up in a ditch. But frequent reconciliation will help clean the mud off our spiritual windshields and keep us sensitized to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. We are so blessed that Christ gave us the gift of reconciliation. To sin is human, to go to reconciliation is divine!

3. Take Advantage of the Sacraments

Ready, Set, Go!

There is no time like the present to begin incorporating some of these suggestions for more fully tapping your Catholic faith. A more consistent prayer life, openness to the Holy Spirit, and frequent reception of the sacraments will insure you tap this power. Doing so is sure to bring greater balance and optimism into our challenging lives.

(c) Vince Frese
www.vincefrese.com

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Originally posted 2010-04-23 14:14:21.

Originally posted 2010-01-18 11:48:00.

First Things First

It is hard to restore peace and hope into the present moment when it is in chaos. When you were married, you had a partner to help you with the daily tasks of living. When you are divorced or separated, you suddenly find yourself responsible for everything. This can be really overwhelming, especially for single parents. Things you didn’t have to worry about like paying the monthly bills, getting the oil changed in the car, or taking kids to the doctor, are now suddenly all on your shoulders. Talk about creating anxiety! Managing your time becomes essential to restoring a sense of peace into your life. And peace is the breeding ground for hope.

Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is an excellent resource for learning how to better manage your time and your life. Read it. The chapter, Habit 3: Putting First Things First, provides an excellent system for managing your time. I have been using it for over 20 years. It has been absolutely invaluable to me, especially when I was a single parent raising my three kids on my own.

People used to ask me all the time how I was able to juggle everything in my life. I would smile and say, “Prayer and Stephen Covey!”

Originally posted 2010-01-11 11:28:00.

Many times when I am a difficult situation, I am my own worst enemy. I worry and fret and then set about trying to solve all the problems by myself. Maybe you can relate. Christ reminds us over and over that we don’t have to go it alone. He will provide help. In fact, He tells us that He has given us an Advocate (John 16:7) and the Advocate will guide us (John 16:13). This Advocate is the Holy Spirit. So often, though, we block the power of the Holy Spirit and prevent Him from guiding us when we take matters into our own hands.

This reminds me of the scene from the first Star Wars movie where Luke Skywalker is being taught how to use a light saber. He is not doing very well and is getting stung by his hovering electronic sparring partner. His teacher, Obi-Wan Kenobi, tells him that he is relying too much on his own abilities and not enough on “The Force”. By relying only on himself he is blocking the ability of The Force to work through him and guide him to become a more effective warrior. To make his point, Obi-Wan has Luke put on a helmet that blocks his vision. He tells Luke that he must “let go of your conscious self” and trust The Force. By letting go of his self-sufficiency and trusting The Force, Luke is instantly able to fend off his sparring partner with supernatural talents that did not exist moments before. He surrendered himself to The Force and The Force was able to use him in extraordinary ways.

I think this is a good analogy for how the Holy Spirit works. When we ignore the Holy Spirit, we block Him from working–we block His “power”. In fact, Christ uses that exact term to describe the Holy Spirit when he refers to Him as the “power from on high” (Luke 24:49). We should take a tip from Obi-Wan Kenobi and fight our impulse to rely only on ourselves when faced with problems. Instead, we must invite the Holy Spirit to take over and guide our thoughts and actions. He is sure to give us supernatural powers making us much more effective in our daily battles.

Originally posted 2010-06-03 21:40:54.