Vince FreseDating and Relationships – Vince Frese

Hitting the Wall

Vince Frese — Wed, 21 Jan 2026 16:42:56 +0000

I often equate going through a divorce to being in a severe car accident. In both cases you emerge very badly battered and wounded, one emotionally and the other physically. Just as it takes a significant amount of time to heal from the physical injuries of a car accident, it also takes significant time to heal emotionally from a divorce. I did not realize this when I jumped quickly into a relationship within weeks of my divorce being final. About six months into this relationship, I hit the wall. I simply could not give the amount of energy, sacrifice, and love that the relationship required. After much internal struggle, I realized the right thing to do was to end the relationship.

Why did this happen? By all accounts, the person I was in the relationship with was a good person and a solid Catholic. This happened because I was not emotionally healed enough to love again. When we love, we give of ourselves. This means we have to have something to actually give. Going through a divorce drains us of our capacity to love. All the energy we typically would expend to love someone else, must be turned inward to help in our own healing process. Until we are healed, we have nothing left to give to someone else. This is why it is so important to not enter into a relationship until receiving an annulment. The time and effort it takes to go through the annulment process is the key to healing from divorce. Think of it as physical therapy for the soul. Christ walks with us when we become vulnerable and bring all the details of our life and our marriage to His Church. In the end, He will heal us and we emerge renewed, stronger, and with a clearer perspective on ourselves and relationships. All of these are key ingredients to being a loving person to ourselves, to our family, and to others.

Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever. – Psalm 73:26

Originally posted 2014-11-10 06:00:57.

Medieval Times

vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org — Sun, 19 Oct 2025 21:40:03 +0000

After my divorce, I remember scouring the Catechism for information regarding dating and relationships. Frankly, I was looking for a loophole that would allow me to pursue intimate relationships. I rationalized that since I was divorced, there must be certain exemptions for me. I wanted to date again, and I wanted to be intimate. After all, I was now “single” and everyone was telling me this was my ticket to happiness and fulfillment. To my dismay, I didn’t find any loopholes. Instead, I found passages regarding chastity. My reaction was one of disbelief. I recall thinking: “Who is the Church kidding? They are so out of touch with the world today. Chastity is such a medieval concept.” I discarded it and went on my merry way.

After a year of heading down my unchaste path, I realized that it brought me just the opposite of what I expected: emptiness and regret. At this point, I knew I had to make a change in my life–and did I ever! After much soul-searching, I decided to live my faith fully and I committed to a chaste life. It was a huge decision that I was very scared to make. Thank God I did. It was the best decision I ever made. Not only did I gain a tremendous sense of peace in my life, but that one decision made every decision after that align my life closer and closer with God’s will. God’s abundant blessings began to pour into my life. Years later as I reflect back on that difficult decision, I am blown away by God’s incredible plan for me. One I would have totally missed if I continued to follow my plan. Choosing to live my faith was the difference that made all the difference.

Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. – Catechism of the Catholic Church 2339

Originally posted 2014-10-08 06:00:34.

Don’t Settle

vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org — Thu, 04 Sep 2025 12:30:36 +0000

I know a wonderful, godly woman who was married for over 30 years to a great man who loved her very much and treated her like a queen. One day, her husband died suddenly. As you would expect, she struggled greatly with the loss. Eventually, driven by loneliness, she started dating again. She met a man who was nothing like her former husband. He treated her very poorly. He disrespected her, spoke down to her, and berated her for being disorganized. She justified staying in the relationship because being with him was “better than being alone.” They dated for a couple of years and one day he came in and tossed an engagement ring at her, saying, “Here, this is what you want, isn’t it?” Even though she was very hurt, she accepted the heartless proposal.

How can this happen? How can a woman who has everything going for her end up with such a dud? Because she settled. She settled for a heartless warm body just so she would not have to be alone the rest of her life. Her fear overtook her good judgment, and the result is a lifetime of emptiness and regret. The sad truth is that this scenario is all too common. Many people as they get older, feel like they have little or no options. They (wrongly) feel that they are too old, physically unattractive, or simply undesirable. They tell themselves, “Who would want me?”, and this causes them to make rash decisions with their life.

If they only knew that Christ wants them. He wants to spend time with them and take away their loneliness. He is pursuing their heart. He yearns for them to know how perfect and desirable they are to him. He wants them to know that he uses the alone times in their lives to heal them, teach them, and prepare them for the great things he has planned. When people settle, they short-circuit this great plan. Don’t settle. Put your trust in the Lord and let this trust give you the hope you need to endure the difficult and lonely times. Through this trust, He will reveal his amazing plan for you. And if that plan includes another person to share your life with, you can bet they are going to someone as perfect as you!

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans of welfare and not for evil, to you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

Originally posted 2014-09-18 06:00:27.

Really?

Vince Frese — Mon, 01 Sep 2025 12:13:08 +0000

At a recent Recovering from Divorce session, we were discussing the always popular topic of dating and intimacy as a divorced Catholic. There is always a yearning for clarity from the participants on this highly charged, and often controversial, topic.

I was presenting the Church’s teaching on chastity when one of the participants blurted out, “Come on, really?! Does anyone still practice chastity any more?” Her skepticism is understandable. In today’s sexually saturated society, it is easy to believe that being sexually active outside of marriage is as common as brushing your teeth. However, what is equally as common is the disillusionment, regret, and negative consequences that come with living apart from God’s design for our sexuality.

God designed sexual intimacy as a gift for married couples to cooperate in His plan for creating life and to create unity in their marriage. Misuse of this gift will never bring lasting peace and joy. Instead, what tends to occur is a type of slavery. Some people are afraid they will never meet someone unless they are willing to be sexually active. Others are afraid they will have to be celibate the rest of their lives, something they never bargained for. In any case, people are enslaved by their fears. Ultimately, this robs them of hope, resulting in desperate decisions and broken hearts. None of this is God’s plan.

God created all of us to share in His joy and peace here on Earth and perfectly forever in Heaven. We are the ones that tend to mess that up by our actions. The Church’s teaching on chastity, while initially seeming archaic and out-of-touch, is a deep Truth based on 2,000 years of wisdom. The more you live this Truth, the more you are guaranteed to be free from the bondage of fear and to find peace. Pray for the graces you need to trust the Church’s teaching on chastity and the courage to live it. Doing so will bring you more peace than you can imagine, and the freedom to make the right choices in your relationships. I speak from personal experience!

Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human FREEDOM. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds PEACE, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. – Catechism of the Catholic Church: 2339

Originally posted 2014-08-12 06:00:15.

Just Not My Time

vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org — Mon, 26 May 2025 14:39:02 +0000

“Of course I want intimacy. Every man and every woman does…I look in the mirror each morning and I tell myself, it’s just not my time. God’s got someone out there for me, it’s just not my time.” says Kerri, a 40-ish, divorced, single parent appearing in the Voices of Hope DVD. When sharing her attitude toward dating and intimacy, Kerri, whether she realized it or not, presented a very hopeful attitude. Kerri is not denying her desire for meeting someone and being married. She says she wants that. What is refreshing about her attitude is her placing complete trust in God for the person He chooses for her, and His timeline. That is hope in action: acknowledging her own desires and then placing the matter completely in God’s hands with a willingness to wait patiently and joyfully for whatever outcome God wants.

For many of us, myself included, this is difficult to do. We want to fix out lives NOW. We are impatient. We think we know best. Unfortunately, many times we are wrong. We need to step back and remind ourselves that God is God, and we are not. He knows the deepest desires of our hearts, and He knows exactly what is best for us. If we are able to believe that, then hope flows naturally. We let go of our fears, our insecurities, and our self-created image of what our lives should be like. We entrust our lives to God. We relax. What follows is a deep peace and an abiding contentment. We are no longer consumed with our future and are free to live joyfully in the present.

But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My destiny is in your hands. – Psalm 31:15-16

Originally posted 2014-10-13 06:00:46.

Tug-O-War

vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org — Sat, 22 Mar 2025 00:56:22 +0000

Shortly after my divorce, I found myself in this great tug-of-war with God. I was willing to give my whole life to Him and trust him completely, except for my intimate life. That was mine to do as I pleased. I reasoned that after all I had been through, it was my right to be happy and intimacy was going to deliver that. Instead, what I found is that the more I kept trying to hold on to that one thing, the more unhappy I became. Like grasping on to one end of a rope, back and forth I went with God. Pleading with him to let me have my way. God was calling me to give my entire self to Him, all my desires and dreams, and I resisted. I kept holding on tightly to that one part of me that I did not want to give up. The tighter I held, the less peace I had.

One day, after reading a passage from C.S. Lewis’s book, Mere Christianity, what I needed to do it hit me like a ton of bricks. The passage is this:

Christ says ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and
so much of your money and so much of your work; I want
You…Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which
you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked–the
whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will
give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’

That day, I let go of the rope. I was terrified because I had no idea of the outcome. Yet, I knew that I had to let go. I had to end the tug-of-war. God was never going to let go. He was never going to abandon me. He was always going to pursue me. Once I let go, a funny thing happened: the very peace that I was yearning for came flooding over me. The exact opposite of what I expected. I thought the only way to find true peace was to preserve myself by pursing what I wanted. I was wrong. What I learned was that the only way to find true, lasting, peace is to surrender all my hopes, desires, and needs–everything–to God and trust Him totally with my life. You know what? He has never let me down!

“No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” – Matthew 6:24

Originally posted 2014-07-31 06:00:19.

Alone with Cats

Vince Frese — Wed, 25 Dec 2024 02:13:53 +0000

A woman recently told me that her biggest fear is she would die alone with just her cats. Her view of the future just seemed to communicate a deep sense of hopelessness. It makes me think of what the souls in Hell must have felt before Christ came and freed them. They had nothing to look forward to except endless suffering. They had no reason to be hopeful. They knew nothing of Jesus and His plan for salvation.

But we know the rest of the story. Christ died on the cross and went down to Hell and freed those souls held captive (Catechism of the Catholic Church, sections 631 – 634). Can you imagine their experience of joy when Christ burst open those doors, reached down, grabbed those to be saved, and brought them to their rightful place in Heaven? Off the charts, I am sure! He transformed their hopelessness into abundant peace and joy. Christ offers the same promise to you. He wants to burst open the doors of your pain and suffering, reach into your life, and lead you out of your personal Hell. Cling to Him in prayer and the Sacraments and expect for Him to transform your life in a powerful way. He will come!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13

Originally posted 2014-06-10 06:00:16.

Mud on the Windshield

Vince Frese — Tue, 02 Jul 2024 10:01:21 +0000

My coworkers wanted to celebrate my divorce like I had just been set free from a POW camp. They were almost congratulating me for the failure of my marriage. On the outside I would humor them by going along with them, but inside I was dazed and confused. Here I was “single” again and totally unprepared for what that meant. Little did I know the rocky and winding path I would find myself on. My life was anything but easy as I tried to navigate the demands of a single parent, an ex-spouse, and life as a divorced Catholic. What I found is that I was constantly tempted to pursue and “live-up” my new single life like my coworkers and friends had expected. I didn’t want to disappoint them. It seemed they knew something I didn’t that gave them reason to be so happy for me. I just hadn’t quite figured out what that was, but boy was I trying. That meant dating, sexual intimacy, and late nights as I worked hard at living it up. Along with this pleasure seeking lifestyle came the day-to-day demands of raising three kids on my own, and trying (and usually failing) to work with my ex. Let’s just say that I was often not the most pleasant, or patient, person to be around.

Each time I would be sexually active, or be impatient with my kids, or fight with my ex, I was failing to be the follower of Christ that I professed to be. I fell short. Each sin was like mud being thrown on the windshield. It became harder and harder to see that I was getting further and further off track with where God was calling me to be. It happened so gradually, that it took a while before I realized my life was headed off a cliff. Navigating my life was like trying to drive with a frost covered windshield. I had no idea what I was doing, or where I was going. My sin blinded me to promptings and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Only by God’s grace and His constant pursuit did I finally crash–right into a very loving and patient priest named Fr. John. Primarily through the power of reconciliation, Fr. John wiped the mud off my windshield allowing me to see clearly where I was going and helping me get my life back on the right road. Each time I would weave and careen my way back into the confessional, I would emerge with a clean soul and a clear view of where I needed to go. I am not sure if Fr. John ever realized just how fundamental he was to saving my life and restoring my hope. My prayer for you is that you have–or find–a Fr. John to help keep your windshield clean.

Jesus said to him in reply, “What do you want me to do for you?” The blind man replied to him, “Master, I want to see” Jesus told him, “Go your way; your faith has saved you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed him on the way. – Mark 10:51-52

Originally posted 2015-01-13 06:00:29.