The low point in my divorce came on Christmas Day, 2000. My attorney (he is Jewish) called me to explain the latest legal strategy my former spouse was using in our very contentious custody battle. (Aren’t they all?!) It was bad enough that I was emotionally shattered from going through a divorce with three small children, at the time, ages 8, 6, and 3, but now I had to deal with the terrifying prospect of losing custody of my children. I was filled with anxiety and fear. Hope was very hard to muster.

Even after a divorce, the FUD factor (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) tends to reign supreme. My biggest struggles were raising three kids on my own while running a full-time business, maintaining a chaste lifestyle, and helping my kids deal with the trauma of divorce. It is easy to slip into the attitude that life will always be this way: DIFFICULT! It is hard to imagine that life will return to being joyful and filled with promise and potential—and with good reason.

You see, divorce tends to sensitize us to pain and anxiety. Enduring the suffering of a difficult experience makes us realize just how vulnerable we are. We can take the attitude that around each corner lies the next trap or pitfall. This is understandable, especially considering what a divorced person deals with on an on-going basis: raising kids as a single parent, having to deal with a difficult ex-spouse, financial trials, feeling out of place at church, loneliness, and anxieties about developing future relationships, just to name a few.

St. Therese of Lisieux had a very refreshing approach to dealing with despair and suffering: live in the moment. She said, “I only suffer for one moment. It is because people think about the past and the future that they become discouraged and despair.”[1] She understood that anticipating the suffering is what is so difficult—far more difficult than the actual suffering itself. In other words, the anticipation is far worse than the participation.

We are our own worst enemy by taking all of our past and projecting it into the future, creating a sense of dread and despair. The way to avoid this is to focus only on the problems of today. Christ himself underscores this in Matthew’s Gospel: “Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.” (Matthew 6:34)

Easier said than done, for sure. But it is so important to practice developing a sense of living in the moment, for the only place where God is present is in the here and now. To fixate on the past tends to make us lack trust in the infinite mercy and love of God, who always wants to give us a new chance to become holy, regardless of our past.[2]

You may be saying to yourself: “Okay, I can understand the importance of not letting my past rule my present, but are you telling me not to consider and plan for the future?” Of course not. To be responsible adults, we need to plan for the future, but not worry about it. Worry robs us of the grace of the present moment. Being consumed with anxiety about tomorrow desensitizes us to how God is working in our life, and what He is calling us to do, today. The best way to prepare for the future is to put everything we have into today.[3] The present is God’s workshop.

Six Ways to Restore a More Hopeful Attitude

Now what? How can we actually begin living more in today by dwelling less on the past and worrying less about the future? Good question. Here are some tips:

#1 Accept It

When we accept the fact that life during and after divorce can be very difficult it makes the suffering easier to bear. I didn’t say go away—just easier to deal with. The ex is still going to be difficult, the bills still need to be paid, and life is still going to be lonely at times. Putting yourself in a posture of acceptance, instead of denial, is the ticket.

I remember vividly the day that I accepted that I would have to live a chaste life after my divorce. It was the last thing I wanted, and the time leading up to that decision was filled with anxiety. Yet, once I made the decision to embrace a chaste life, the anxiety disappeared. I had this incredible sense of freedom. The burden had been lifted.

This surprised me because accepting the fact that I might never be married again, and having to be celibate the rest of my life (something I thought only priests did), should have caused me even more anxiety and suffering. But it didn’t—just the opposite. Christ had taken this burden from me once I surrender it completely to Him. Believe it or not, enduring our suffering each day is our path to Heaven, and more peace and joy during this life: “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” (Mark 8:34)

#2 First Things First

It is hard to restore peace and hope into the present moment when it is in chaos. When you were married, you had a partner to help you with the daily tasks of living. When you are divorced or separated, you suddenly find yourself responsible for everything. This can be really overwhelming, especially for single parents. Things you didn’t have to worry about like paying the monthly bills, getting the oil changed in the car, or taking kids to the doctor, are now suddenly all on your shoulders. Talk about creating anxiety!

Managing your time becomes essential to restoring a sense of peace into your life. And peace is the breeding ground for hope. Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is an excellent resource for learning how to better manage your time and your life. Read it. The chapter, Habit 3: Putting First Things First, provides an excellent system for managing your time. I have been using it for over 20 years. It has been absolutely invaluable to me, especially when I was a single parent raising my three kids on my own. People used to ask me all the time how I was able to juggle everything in my life. I would smile and say, “Prayer and Stephen Covey.”

#3 Push Yourself

If you have ever been through physical therapy, you know that the therapist’s main job is to push you beyond what you think are your limits. You heal faster that way. Well, the same is true when healing spiritually and emotionally. If you confine yourself to living in your comfort zone, you rob yourself of the opportunity to heal.

What does pushing yourself look like? It means availing yourself of the Sacraments of Eucharist and Reconciliation more often (when was the last time you went to confession, anyway?). It also means participating in your parish’s divorce support group. And it means going out with friends on a Friday or Saturday night instead of sitting at home watching NetFlix. In short, it means living today to the fullest, even if you don’t necessarily feel like it. Remember: feeling follows action.

#4 Carpe Diem

Seize the moment more. Hug your kids and be thankful that they are healthy and in your arms. Don’t have any kids? Hug your mom, your dad, your brother or sister, your best friend, or your dog. They are all gifts that God has given you in this present moment. When we are consumed with fear and anxiety, we tend to forget that.

Go for a walk and really look around. God has created all the nature you see—for you! Dig into your hobbies and interests. (Strumming away on my guitar brought me peace…even if it was for just a moment.) These are all ways of giving yourself a little gift-the gift of now.

#5 The Eucharist

Don’t forget to throw yourself on your knees in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Christ is fully, totally and completely present to you there. Really! No kidding. Trust that He wants so much to love you and pour His mercy over you. Let Him hug you by being present to Him.

#6 Serve Others

It’s very hard to be thinking about yourself when you are helping others. Plus, it makes you realize just how fortunate you are.

Never forget that your faith is the key to unlocking the door to a life filled with hope. It is through faith that we come to trust more fully in the truth that God is real, God loves the heck out of you, and that God will never abandon you-no matter what!

[1] St. Therese of Lisieux, “Yellow Notebook,” August 19.
[2] Rev. Jacques Philippe, “Interior Freedom”, p. 86.
[3] Ibid, p. 88

© Vince Frese

Originally posted 2015-07-07 13:51:32.

I will never forget the day I dragged myself into my counselor’s office, about two months into my divorce. I was in so much emotional pain that I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. It was a chore just to walk.

What made it worse was that I had reached the point of utter despair. I believed that I was going to feel this way the rest of my life. To say that I thought my future was bleak was an understatement. I had lost hope.

Fortunately, what my counselor, Kathy, told me that day helped me regain hope. She told me that the reason for my deep emotional pain was because I was grieving. I was surprised. I thought people only grieved when they experienced a death. My counselor told me that I had indeed experienced a death—the death of my marriage.

She was right. It did feel as if someone had died.

The Grief Cycle

Kathy went on to explain something she called the grief cycle. She said that the grief cycle is made up of these five stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Sadness
• Acceptance

The most hopeful thing my counselor told me was that the grieving process has a beginning, a middle, and an end. That was such a relief to me because it meant that I would not feel this intense emotional pain for the rest of my life. I could expect that it would end. That alone gave me hope.

Ten Most Important Things About Grief

Here are the ten most important things she told me about the grief cycle:

1) You must grieve the loss of your marriage by embracing each stage to fully heal and recover from your divorce. If you don’t, you run the risk of getting stuck in one of the stages—not pretty.

2) The first time through the grief cycle is usually the longest. How long? Well, that depends on each individual. As a (very) general rule of thumb: 12 to 24 months.

3) Repeating the grief cycle is common. Fortunately, repeat cycles are typically much shorter than the first grief cycle.

4) Common triggers to the grief cycle include:

• Anniversaries: Yours for sure, but other people celebrating theirs.
• Holidays: This is one reason why Christmas and Thanksgiving are so difficult after a divorce. Valentine’s Day is also very challenging.
• Music: Love songs, or the song that inspired you as a couple, are particularly difficult.
• Locations: Visiting the place of your honeymoon, or favorite vacation spots when you were married.
• Weddings: Going to a wedding, or someone getting engaged. (A co-worker getting engaged triggered a repeat grief cycle for me about two years after I worked through my first grief cycle. Fortunately, it only lasted a week or so.)

5) You won’t necessarily go through the grief stages in order. It is fairly common to bounce around in different stages. You may be very sad for several weeks, experience a period of intense anger, and then try and strike a deal with God so He will save your marriage.

6) You will experience some stages more intensely than others. You may experience intense anger for weeks or months, yet only have a fleeting experience with denial. Each person experiences grief differently.

7) It is very important to work through all the stages of grief so that you don’t get stuck in a stage. This can greatly delay, or even prevent, your healing and recovery.

8) A warning sign that you are stuck in a stage is if you are experiencing one stage intensely for an especially long period of time (six months or more)

9) Intense sadness is not the same as clinical depression. According to the Mayo Clinic, you should see a doctor if you are experiencing intense sadness along with one or more of these symptoms for more than two weeks*:

• Feelings of sadness, emptiness or unhappiness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so that even small tasks take extra effort
• Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
• Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness — for example, excessive worrying, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Slowed thinking, speaking, or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, or suicide attempts
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

10) You know you have successfully worked through the grieving process when you begin to plan for your future. When we grieve, we are consumed with the here and now. When we can begin to think about tomorrow and beyond, that is a sign of healing.

Grieving Is Essential to Recovery

I found that having a better understanding of why I was feeling the way I was helped alleviate some of the worry and anxiety. It also helped me to realize that what I was going through was normal. Best of all, knowing that if I accepted the grieving process, it would actually help me to recover from my divorce and allow me to look to the future with hope once again.

Question: What was your experience with the grief cycle like?

Originally posted 2015-05-12 11:42:58.

There are two ways to help ensure our kids keep the faith: the worldly and the spiritual. Both are necessary, and must be in the right balance, to ensure consistency in raising your kids Catholic. That’s really all we can hope for since “divorce” and “consistency” don’t tend to go together.

The spiritual approach is the most readily available. In short, it means praying fervently to God, Jesus, the Blessed Mother, St. Joseph, and St. Michael, to keep our kids Catholic despite what is swirling around them. This is fundamental; pray every day.

The worldly approach is a little more of a bare-knuckle approach because it involves the legal process. If you have not finalized your divorce, then I highly encourage you to put into your divorce decree very specific requirements regarding your children’s Catholic faith. Once it is in writing, you have the power of the courts to back you up and help you facilitate raising your kids Catholic. That is much better then leaving it up to the fickle nature of an former spouse.

Here are some suggestions:

Key 1: Get the kids back by 4 p.m. on Sunday.

Have in your decree that you get the kids back by 4 p.m. on Sundays. This will allow you time to get to the Sunday evening Mass. Many agreements default to 6 p.m. That’s too late.

Key 2. Ask your former spouse to cooperate.

Have in your decree that your former spouse will make every effort to cooperate in raising the children Catholic. Specify that this also means not introducing them to other faiths. This creates confusion and anxiety. Sorry, the Protestant faiths are very different than the Catholic faith no matter what your former spouse might try to tell you (and the kids). This also means not speaking badly of the faith or of you for raising them Catholic. Get that in your agreement.

Key 3: Have the kids every Easter.

Put in your decree that you have your kids back by 9 a.m. every Easter. Chances are you won’t get a fight, especially if your former spouse is not practicing the faith. Easter is the most important day of the liturgical year. Make sure your kids are celebrating it.

Key 4: Ensure the kids always get to CCD classes.

Be sure to have in your decree that your former spouse will take the kids to CCD (i.e. faith formation) classes if it occurs on their weekend. This also means allowing the kids to go on retreats, receive their sacraments (e.g. First Communion), and other church activities when they fall on the former spouse’s visitation time.

Key 5: Require your former spouse to take the kids to Mass.

See if you can’t get your former spouse to agree to take the kids to Mass on their Sundays. It may be a long shot, but ask for it anyway.

Be Prepared to Negotiate

You may be thinking, “Yeah right, my former spouse would NEVER agree to any of this.” Okay, maybe he/she won’t, but you need to try. You may have to get very creative with your negotiations. If money is a big deal with your former spouse, consider making some economic concessions. Isn’t your kids’ salvation worth it? If time is a big deal, offer more time with the kids. The point is, just about anything of this world is worth giving up in exchange for consistency and a firm foundation for your kids in their Catholic faith.

Consistency is Rewarded

Lastly, you might be surprised how supportive judges are of maintaining the children’s faith lives. Judges don’t like major changes from how the kids were raised prior to the divorce. They understand that radical changes cause undue anxiety and stress for kids. Judges like consistency. If you have been consistent in raising your kids Catholic prior to the divorce, the chances are extremely good that the judge will support you in raising them Catholic after the divorce.

Fighting for their faith before the divorce is settled is well worth the effort. Like the saying goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

It’s Never Too Late to Make Changes

If you have already settled your divorce, it is still not too late. Now that you have been living with your agreement for some period of time, it is highly likely there are things about it that both you and your former spouse would like changed. Use that as an opportunity to renegotiate to get some of the above concessions in your agreement.

You don’t necessarily have to go back to court. If you both can agree on it, that will work as an informal agreement. This is not the best since the former spouse might renege on the changes they agreed upon as soon as some other disagreement comes up (and it most likely will). But, any victory is a victory, no matter how small.

The Courts Might Be Your Only Option

Sadly, you may have to go back to court and fight for changes to the agreement to help ensure a Catholic upbringing for your kids, especially if your former spouse is totally uncooperative, or worse, is undermining the kids’ faith.

In any case, pray to St. Michael and put your kids firmly in his care. He is our protector and defender!

Question: How successful have you been raising your kids Catholic after divorce? Share your answer in the Comments section below.

Originally posted 2015-05-02 10:03:56.