The low point in my divorce came on Christmas morning, about two months after my divorce was filed. I actually got a call from my attorney; he wanted to discuss some aspect of my divorce (he didn’t celebrate Christmas since he was Jewish). I remember getting off that call and thinking, “I will be so relieved when this is all over and I can patch my life back together.” Boy, was I setting my sights low!

Overwhelmed with the pain and intensity of my divorce, all I hoped for out of the rest of my life was to be free of emotional pain. I could not imagine anything greater than that. Little did I know, I was aiming far too low. Fortunately, God was aiming high — very high.

While I would have been satisfied simply to slug through the rest of my life, God had much, much greater plans for me. His plans included using my painful experiences to help tens of thousands of divorced Catholics all over the world, and, ultimately, to meet an incredible woman of faith, get married, blend two families into one, and have a total of seven kids, including the gift of our son. Many years later, as I look back on how God’s plan has played out in my life, I am still blown away.

When you are struggling to look into the future and see anything but a life hobbled by divorce, remember that God’s plans are always far greater than anything you can imagine. While you may be willing to settle for mediocrity, God is ready to give you a mind-blowing life filled with an abundance of peace, joy, purpose, and love. All you need to do is ask!

“Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours.” – Mark 11:24

Originally posted 2018-06-07 00:30:15.

When thoughts or inspirations hit you from out-of-the-blue, especially if they haunt you, don’t ignore them. That is usually a sign that the Holy Spirit is at work. Bring them into prayer and ask Our Lord for guidance. Ask him if these inspirations are from him. Seek spiritual direction from a priest or spiritual director. The feelings associated with the inspiration are also clues. Being afraid to do something is not a sound reason not to do it. Doing the right thing is often difficult and overwhelming. However, a lack of peace is not the same as fear. It is that equally haunting feeling that something is just not right, and is a warning sign that the inspiration is most likely not of God. Things of God bring a sense of peace with them.

The resistance you feel to God’s inspirations is often the friction from fear. Trusting in Christ is the lubricant. Once you surrender your fears and begin to really trust him, you will be amazed at how everything falls into place. That’s how Christ works. He rewards our surrender and trust with abundant peace and joy.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Originally posted 2014-07-28 06:00:56.

“I’m scared, Daddy!” shouted my son above the din of man-made water rapids and squeals of about five hundred other kids. We were at a water park on a hot summer day, and we were making our way through the “Lazy River.” The problem for my son was that this part of the Lazy River offers a difficult choice. It branched off into two paths. One path was, well, lazy, while the other path was a surge of rapids, water eruptions, and lots of spraying water. For a five-year-old it was quite intimidating, and he was seeking the more calm and tranquil path. He couldn’t connect with the promise that, while more intense and intimidating, it was also the most exciting and rewarding part of the ride.

Life after divorce offers us two paths as well: our path and Christ’s path. So often we prefer our path. We want to live life on our terms, our timelines, and in our comfort-zone. We’ve been through hell and we would just rather coast through life at a pace, and on a path, of our choosing. Yet, Christ invites us down His path. A path that is often intimidating and more difficult because it requires us to follow through on what we profess to believe. It is one thing to say you are Catholic and an entirely different thing to really live it. Christ’s path challenges us to live His teachings, including the hard ones, like forgiveness, honesty, chastity, mercy, and love.

Christ never wants to leave you where you are. He is constantly urging you forward to live the amazing life He has planned for you, and to become the magnificent person He created you to be. His path will get you there. If you can surrender and allow yourself to be caught up in His current, you will come to see that your best life lies ahead of you, not behind you. Which path will you take?

I have come so that they might have life and have it more abundantly. – John 10:10

Originally posted 2014-09-02 06:00:43.

About a year after my divorce was final, I moved fifteen miles into a more modest home. It was a really big step overall. I was moving my three young kids to a new neighborhood and new schools. I was moving into a house that needed a fair amount of remodeling. Plus, I hadn’t even sold my current home before buying my new home. On top of all that, I had to pack up the entire house on my own. It was a very stressful and physically difficult time. Many people thought I was crazy to take all of this on by myself. Yet, at my core, I was at peace. I managed the entire moving process filled with energy and optimism.

My decision to move was not some spur-of-the-moment decision. It was the result of many days of prayerful consideration. During this entire time, from the time I was first pondering the idea to move until the last box was unpacked (thanks Mom and Dad!), I felt Christ walking with me; this was not just my idea. Because Christ was at the center, he provided me with all the graces I needed to succeed. As Christ proved with the resurrection, he creates new life. That’s how you can tell when something is Christ’s will. It will bring a sense of newness and goodness, and, with it, the resulting confidence, energy, and peace. Let that be your guide as you take on life’s changes and challenges.

They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint. – Isaiah 40:31

Originally posted 2014-07-24 06:00:06.

Recently, a woman shared a story with me about how she had to deal with a very tense situation with her former husband. She explained how she had to wait in line with him for over an hour to get a utility bill changed into her name. He was not making it any easier on her by being very impatient and unpleasant. By the time they got to the window, her former spouse became more obnoxious, making the situation extremely uncomfortable for her and the account representative. During this entire time, she kept her cool. When everything was completed, and her former spouse had left, the account rep complimented this woman on how well she had handled this very difficult situation. Clearly, her patience, self restraint, and dare I say, charity, spoke volumes.

The woman could have pulled the rip-cord on the entire situation by refusing to deal with her former spouse. But she didn’t. She pressed on, and in doing so, allowed God to bless her and the people around her. So often, we want to cut and run from difficult situations instead of allowing God to bless us in these moments. God only works in the present moment. By being open to how He is working in each moment, even the very trying ones, gives us the opportunity to receive His blessings. This willingness to endure allows blessings to flow and ultimately shared by all involved–even obnoxious former spouses.

Make me a channel of your peace. – Prayer of St. Francis

Originally posted 2014-10-06 06:00:49.

When presented with significant problems, many of us tend to consider only what we can do on our own to solve the problem. That is a very narrow perspective that has a very limiting result. This is what happened with the apostles. Jesus told them to “give them something to eat” and they freaked out. They were only thinking of what they could do, totally ignoring Jesus being God and His infinite power. The proper solution to the problem was to feed everyone. The only way to get from problem to a real, lasting, resolution was to turn to Christ and depend on him to make up for what they lacked. They were thinking small and it very significantly limited their power. Once they bring Christ into the situation, the impossible became possible.

Christ is the key ingredient to making big things happen. Remember that. Otherwise, you will tend to think small and your problems/challenges are never properly resolved. Instead, think big and turn to Christ to make up the difference for what you lack. Expect him to show up. He so wants to!

Jesus said to them, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” They replied, “We have nothing here but five loaves and two fish.” And he said, “Bring them here to me.” – Matthew 14:16-18

Originally posted 2014-10-24 06:00:36.

My son enjoys making bracelets out of brightly colored rubber bands. Creating them requires a special contraption with rows of pegs. He uses a specially designed hook to grab the rubber bands and connect them from one peg to another. It requires a fair amount of dexterity. He is always so proud of his creations, and he generously shares them with his family.

One day, he was attempting to make a particularly complex, and beautiful, bracelet. He was getting frustrated trying to manipulate the weaving hook with his young fingers to grab the rubber bands and work them into the intricate pattern. He handed the hook to me and asked for my help. Each time I would attempt to hook the rubber band, he would get impatient and grab the hook out of my hand and try it himself, only to fail again. After his fourth take-back, he gave up on making the bracelet.

I think this is how we tend to approach our relationship with God. We ask for His help, and, yet, we don’t give Him control. We keep stepping in and taking it back. We then wonder why our lives continue to be mired in frustration and unfulfilled dreams. When we ask for God’s help, we need to turn over our lives to Him and trust the He will guide us to the life that is exactly as he designed it to be: sometimes complex, always beautiful.

He saved us and called us to a holy life, not according to our works but according to his own design. – 2 Timothy 1:9

Originally posted 2018-06-14 00:30:02.

One morning I walked into Mass very distracted and anxious. I had many things on my mind: projects due at work, challenges with the kids, financial pressures, dealing with the ex, etc. On top of that, I wasn’t feeling well. It was hard to focus on the Mass. Frankly, I was just going through the motions. After I received the Blessed Sacrament, I was walking back to the pew when I heard it. It was a kind of whisper in my soul that said, “No matter what is going on out there, I am always here.” A feeling of peace flooded over me. Christ was reminding me that, while my life was stressful and unpredictable, His peace was available to me any time I needed it. I could unplug from the craziness of my life simply by coming to Mass. Time could almost stand still. My worries, fears and doubts could be put on hold. The Mass can be the oasis in my desert, a port in my storm. I never forgot it.

Going through a divorce brings on a tsunami of challenges, emotions, and uncertainty. And these typically don’t stop after the divorce is final. There are aftershocks of some kind, often for years to come. You can unplug from all of this at any time by going to Mass. Walking in the doors of the church, receiving Christ, even just being in His presence, is giving yourself a gift. A gift of His peace. A gift you can receive everyday if you need, or wish. Christ and His peace are only as far away as your nearest Catholic church. Claim your gift in the Mass.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. – John 14:27

Originally posted 2015-01-05 06:00:57.

My five-year-old son squealed in delight as the bumper cars lurched forward. The ride had just begun and all the cars were whirling around in all different directions. It was only seconds before the first car came rudely smashing into us from behind, giving us both a solid jolt. My son had the wheel and was furiously spinning it in each direction, causing our car to veer from left to right. While we were in constant motion, we were making little forward progress. This left us sitting ducks. Over the course of the next minute we were pummeled by every other car in the ride, to great satisfaction of their drivers. My son’s demeanor increasingly changed from delight to frustration with every jerk and jolt. Finally he let go of the wheel and screamed for me to drive. For the remainder of the ride, I was able to weave around all the bloodthirsty villains and even inflict a little damage of my own. The smile returned to my son’s face.

When we try and take the steering wheel of our lives, we often end up like my son’s bumper car ride. While we may be in constant motion, we usually end up going nowhere and experiencing many unexpected jerks and jolts. This leaves us hunkered-down bracing for the next blow, instead of living life filled with optimism and confidence. We can all learn a lot from my son. Instead of trying to steer our lives all on our own, we need to turn the steering wheel over to our heavenly Father. He will always guide us through life’s difficulties and help push the demons out of our path. 

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level. – Psalm 144:10

Originally posted 2014-08-07 06:00:15.

One of the most common laments I hear from parents after divorce is the loss of quality time with their kids. That is understandable. The time they had with their kids is reduced, whether they are the custodial parent or not.

While this challenge is experienced by both parents, it is more acute for the non-custodial parent. The same holds true for the suggested ways to address this challenge. These will apply to either parent but will be particularly useful for the non-custodial parent.

Here are some of the ways you can spend more time with your kids:

Move Closer

When divorce hits, one of the parents is moving out. Typically, it is the non-custodial parent, as the courts favor minimizing the number of changes for the kids. It is really hard to spend more time with your kids if you have to drive an hour across town to see them. That automatically whacks two hours of available time off the top.

Move as close as you can to your kids. While right next door might be a little too close for comfort for your former spouse, I recommend a mile or two away. The point is, you want to be within 10-15 minutes max of drive time. Ideally, you should be close enough that the kids can ride their bikes to see you. (If kids still even do that any more — but you get my point.)

Being closer will naturally create more opportunities for you to see them, and for them to see you. If you are convenient to their primary residence, you just might get asked by your former spouse if he/she can drop off the kids for “just an hour or two” while they: (fill in the blank).

I already hear the excuses from some of you why this is not possible. Sorry, I am not buying them. I would rather the extra hour you drive each day be to your work than to your kids.  Being in close proximity to your kids will almost magically create more opportunities to see them. Being closer to work, won’t. Sorry.

Get a Job Where You Can Work at Home/Flexible Hours

More so than ever, work can be done just about anywhere you have power and an internet connection. If you don’t believe me, just head over to your local Starbucks some weekday, say around 11 a.m., and see how many adults are in there hunched over their laptops and on their phones. This is great news for you.

If you don’t have a job that allows you work remotely, or has flexible working hours, now is the time to get one. Before you start thinking up all the excuses why this is not possible, remember all your talk about how your kids come first in your life. Now is the time to prove it. I know getting another job can be a total hassle, but you will thank me ten years from now when you look back and see how you were able to be much more available to your kids because you made some hard choices to align your career around their needs. The time is now to make those changes.

Volunteer In Their School

Just this morning, I got an email from my third grader’s teacher looking for volunteers for a classroom activity. It is from 11 a.m. to 12 p.m. These opportunities pop-up fairly often. So, if you live in the kids’ school district, you will naturally be in close proximity to their school, and you can take advantage of the opportunities for great interactive time. Trust me, your kids are going to fondly remember how often you dropped in to see them at school; it is a treat for them, sure to warm their hurting hearts.

If you have flexibility in your job AND live nearby to your kids, you will be able to take advantage of the recurring opportunities to volunteer in their school.

Schools are always looking for dads to volunteer, especially for field trips. There are never enough dads to help with the boys. A male presence is so helpful (and much appreciated) with things like restroom breaks and dealing with rowdy boys. Once you start volunteering you will become the “go-to” person for future events. I know this from personal experience.

I was blessed to be able to volunteer often at my kid’s school. One time I volunteered to help at a Book Fair. The woman heading it up could not believe that a dad actually volunteered, and she paraded me around to all the kids saying, “Look, boys and girls, we actually have a dad here today to help us. Isn’t that wonderful?! A dad is here.” While I felt a little bit like the freak at the freak show, it sadly underscored the fact that too few dads are taking the time to engage with their kids at school.

Take advantage of this time while your kids are young enough to want you there. Once middle school hits, you’re toast.

Coach Their Sports Team

If your kids love to play soccer, chances are they are spending a lot of time, well, playing soccer. If you want to grab some of that time and share it with them, there is no better way than coaching their sports team. As crazy as it sounds, prior experience is often NOT a requirement. I learned this quite by accident.

I volunteered to assist with my son’s soccer team a few years ago. My version of volunteering (and what I penciled in on the form) was to basically be a water boy. I was happy to bring snacks, drinks, and help with communications. I know this may be hard to believe, but I know almost nothing about soccer. Surprising, I know, but true. You see, I am a little on the, well, “older side.” Soccer was not a thing when I was a kid. That is why I was happy to just be a grunt for the team. Well, surprise, surprise, they were running short on coaches, so the guy that heads up the league called me and convinced me that I could easily handle the coaching duties because he was going to pair me up with someone who had coached before. Yeah, right! The guy they paired me with knew little more than I did!

Well, the season was a disaster, BUT I got to spend lots of extra time with my kid. And so can you when you volunteer to coach. Remember, having experience is rarely necessary.

Teach Their PSR Class

Like coaching sports, most parishes are scrambling to find PSR (a/k/a CCD, a/k/a Catechism) teachers. And, also like coaching, having experience is rarely necessary. Hopefully, you have a leg up because you have been living your Catholic faith for a while, but again, most parishes have a ready-made program. All you have to do is open the book to that week’s lesson, and, BAM!, you’re a PSR teacher.

Like coaching, this will give you weekly opportunities for extra time with your kid(s).

Become a Scout Leader

Ok, continuing on the theme… Like sports and PSR, most scouting programs are hungry for leaders. Like my soccer experience, I volunteered to be the assistant leader for my son’s Cub Scout den. No prior experience there, either. And get this: I was also a “helper” for my daughter’s Girl Scout troop. It was a little awkward being the only dad in the mandatory training — but, hey, for my kid…

One of the big bonuses for being a scout leader is CAMPING TRIPS! These are great opportunities to spend lots of extra time with your kids. Plus, the other parent can’t limit this time. It is all yours with your kids.

And for all you single parents who think that moms can’t be involved in Boy Scouts or dads are shut out from Girl Scouts, it’s simply not true. I was on a Father-Son overnight camping trip this past summer with my son and about 25% of the “dads” where actually moms.

All of this is great news for single-parents trying to spend more time with their kids.

Go to Your Kid’s Events

I know, that in some situations, the custodial parent can be quite hostile to the other parent seeing their kids on all but the scheduled visitation times. This can really limit the potential for extra time. Hopefully, some of the other strategies I have mentioned will help.

If all else fails, just go to your kid’s stuff. You don’t need anyone’s permission to go see Johnny play basketball or watch Susie in her school play. The point is, there are usually plenty of opportunities for you to spend time with your kids and/or stay plugged into their lives outside of the “visitation schedule.”

Think Outside the Box

Too often I hear from non-custodial parents that they are restricted from spending time with their kids because of the visitation schedule, and yet, they don’t even think about the many ways they can stay actively involved in their kids’ lives outside of the schedule. Think outside the box! You will make your kids happy, and years from now, you will be so glad you made the sacrifices.