“I hope she rots in Hell!” I screamed at God at the top of my lungs as I drove to work. I had just gotten done listening to my former spouse’s rationale on how our divorce would actually be “good for the kids.” I was so angry and hurt over the pain and distress I knew the divorce would shove into our innocent kids’ lives. They didn’t deserve it, and I felt so helpless to stop it. Too worked up to actually work, I decided to make a detour to my parish church. It was the only place I could go for peace and quiet. Plus, I knew I would not have to talk to anyone there; I could just be by myself for a while. When I arrived, Mass had just started. I slipped into the back and sat there numbly participating. As I walked up to receive communion, I hoped that no one would notice the tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t help it. The divorce was shattering not only my life, but my kids’ lives as well. It was not fair! After receiving the Eucharist, I made it back to my pew and knelt to pray. I didn’t have any words. I just knelt and cried. Slowly, a strange feeling of peace filled me. It felt odd. It was such a contradiction to how I was feeling when I walked in. I got a real sense that, despite the storm raging around me, I was safe. It was comforting. I made this trip to Mass part of my morning routine. I looked forward to it each day. It was my port from the storm of divorce. Receiving the Eucharist gave me a tranquility that I desperately needed. Christ became the source of my strength at a time when I had none. Out of my desperation, I was reminded of the greatest gift available to Catholics: Jesus Christ fully present in the Eucharist. He is real. He is there. Receive him as often as possible.

Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand. – Isaiah 41:10

Originally posted 2014-10-17 06:00:35.

I thought that once my divorce was final, life would get back to some sense of normal and most of my divorce-related struggles would disappear. Yeah, right. I quickly discovered that the primary change was the types of struggles I faced, not struggles themselves.  

My main struggle initially was committing to a chaste lifestyle. That one would routinely challenge me during the first year or two after my divorce. But, I had others, too, like dealing with anger at my former spouse, and being patient with my kids after a long day as a single parent. I even had difficulty trusting God and fully living my faith. Each time I would fail to rise up and overcome the challenge of the moment, I always felt disgusted and angry with myself.  

A priest suggested that I start praying for the graces to have the strength to overcome my challenges. He suggested I say a quick prayer each time I was feeling particularly challenged. If I had the presence of mind, I would pray the Our Father, but usually it was a simple, “Lord help me!” It really helped. While I didn’t respond properly every time, I did respond properly more often than not. I more readily overcame my temptations, held my tongue with my ex, and was able to see my kids misbehaving as just a signal that they needed a hug instead of a timeout. Now instead of feeling disgusted and angry with myself, I actually felt good about the way I handled my challenges. Going through a divorce, and being divorced, brings its share of challenges. I learned that I was not going it alone. I learned how to use the amazing power of prayer to give me strength when I needed it most.

Pray without ceasing. – 1 Thessalonians 5:17

Originally posted 2014-07-22 06:00:26.

Not long after my divorce was final, my former spouse and I had a rather cutting verbal exchange. It had something to do with the kids or money, I can’t quite remember. What I do remember is sitting in my car afterward with my head dropped down on my chest feeling very defeated. The two years prior to my divorce, and, now, even after my divorce, dealing with my former spouse was always unpleasant. It was like having to have a root canal– EVERY DAY. I remember thinking, “Okay, well, I guess this is just the way my life is always going to be from now on.” I could not imagine my life not being filled with angst and turmoil due to the difficult interactions with my spouse. It was depressing.

Fast forward ten+ years and fortunately things have gotten a lot better. Not perfect, but certainly much more cooperative and flexible. How did this happen? I made a decision to stop fighting and ended the war. It was hard at first because I had to hold my tongue and control my anger when my ex would follow the same old patterns of emotional guerrilla warfare. However, over time, my setting the example of not engaging in the fighting, actually taught my ex to do the same. It didn’t take too many verbal jabs that went without retaliation for my ex to figure out I was no longer going to play that game. I took the high road, and often times it was the hard road, but it made all the difference.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. ’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other one to him as well.” – Matthew 5:38-39

Originally posted 2014-07-23 06:00:31.

About a year after my divorce was final, I was invited to go on a spiritual retreat. During the retreat I heard a talk about the need to forgive those who have hurt you. Well, I could definitely relate to the being hurt part, but, frankly, the thought of forgiving my ex just made me angry. I had been hurt too badly.

Since this was a spiritual retreat, and I was trying to be a good retreatant, I begrudgingly decided to give forgiveness a shot. I went into the chapel, and before the Blessed Sacrament, I began writing my forgiveness letter. Well, it started out harmless enough with my describing the forgiveness talk that had inspired me to write the letter. However, the more I wrote, the angrier I became. Suddenly, my “forgiveness” letter was anything but, filled with accusations and laments of “How could you do this to the kids and me?”, etc., etc. Finally, I gave up and just sat and stared at the Eucharist feeling angry and defeated. I couldn’t forgive her, and, frankly, I really didn’t want to.

Fast forward two years… I had not really thought too much about forgiving my ex since my botched attempt on my retreat. It did nag at me from time-to-time, especially when I focus on the words in the Our Father, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” In my mind, I was still content to let my ex squirm under the weight of her guilt. Then one day I found out she had lost her job and was in danger of losing her apartment. I honestly felt bad for her. I spontaneously prayed a quick prayer to the Blessed Mother asking her to pray for my ex to find another job.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, it hit me. I actually prayed for my ex.  That seemed weird to me. Yet, I could not deny that it was an authentic prayer. I just couldn’t believe that I actually did it. That’s when I realized that I had forgiven my ex. I could not have prayed for her unless I had let go of my animosity and anger. I guess all my Our Fathers, receiving the Eucharist, and experiencing forgiveness myself in Reconciliation, had a cumulative effect. It was the Lord’s way of softening my heart, and giving me the graces I needed, to forgive the one person that had hurt me the most–something I could not imagine ever being able to do. You see, my past effort was a solo attempt and it failed. To really forgive requires the help of supernatural graces.

Forgiveness is absolutely essential for you to be able to recover from divorce. By not forgiving, you may get a sense of satisfaction or power by holding your ex hostage to their past mistakes, yet, in reality, you are holding yourself hostage to the past. The only way to heal and move forward is to forgive your ex. Doing so frees you of all the pain, anger, and self-righteousness that does nothing but anchor you down to your past. Don’t force it. Pray for the graces you need to forgive your ex, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you down this path. While it will take time, it will ultimately lead you to freedom, peace, and joy.

If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions. – Matthew 6:14-15   

Originally posted 2014-12-09 06:00:05.

“I can’t believe I did that! Is this me?!,” exclaimed one of our workshop participants (we’ll call her Jayne) after sharing that she recently defended her ex-husband to her family. Evidently, Jayne’s family was giving her a rather hard time about her ex, and she responded by defending him in his absence. What surprised her was that she did not jump in on the slam-fest and give him a few good whacks of her own. Jayne added that for the year or two after her divorce, she would have readily pounced on any opportunity to criticize her ex. She was amazed that now she was doing just the opposite. It was as if she had an out-of-body experience and did not even recognize herself. Her excitement at this self-revelation was palpable.

Why was this? Why was Jayne in shock and awe over defending her ex? Why did she hardly recognize herself? Because she was not the same person she was at the time of her divorce. She had grown and evolved from the suffering that came with it. This is a clear example of the “good” that can come out of suffering. Jayne had grown in compassion, understanding, and (dare I say) even love, for her ex. All because she had suffered mightily from her divorce. The suffering changed her because she did not run from it. She embraced it and allowed it, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to transform her. She became more merciful toward her ex and had grown in wisdom, allowing her to better see the truth of her situation. In short, she became a better person.

Had she run from the pain and avoided the suffering, she would have become stuck in her own mud-pit of anger, self-pity and despair. Instead, she was transformed into a better person by the very thing that most people think would have ruined her. This is the benefit of suffering with a purpose. It is the same type of suffering that Christ did for us. When we allow our suffering to transform us and benefit others, we become like Christ. His suffering was not for nothing–it saved mankind. While our suffering probably won’t have as dramatic an effect, it can certainly help us and those we love, even those we struggle to love. The key is to lean into it. If you do, you will speed your recovery from divorce, grow in wisdom and compassion, and bless many lives.

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example that you should follow in his footsteps. – 1 Peter 2:21

Originally posted 2014-05-22 06:00:48.

I fell into the very trap that so many fall into. When faced with a problem or dilemma, we fly into action and work and work to try and fix it. We can get so busy trying to make the problem go away, we squeeze God out of the situation. In all our hyperactivity, we block God from working. What we should do instead is back-off, acknowledge our weakness to God, and give Him some elbow room to work with us to find a solution. We don’t need to push every button and pull every lever. God knows much better than we do what is best. If only we gave Him a little room to work. Try it next time you are struggling with a problem. Invite God into the problem and step back and let Him work. You will be amazed at how much better things turn out.

For we rejoice when we are weak but you are strong. What we pray for is your improvement. – 2 Corinthians 13:9

Originally posted 2014-04-29 06:00:11.

Then, one day, I was dropping off the kids for their weekly visitation and it happened to be my ex’s birthday.  The kids were talking about it on the car ride over.  As I got out of the car, I made eye contact with my ex, and in that awkward moment the words “Happy Birthday” spontaneously came out of my mouth.  You would have thought my ex just got shocked by a Taser.  After the shock faded, my ex’s demeanor noticeably softened.  In a kind, appreciative voice, I was told, “Thanks. I really appreciate that.”  In that moment something changed.  That simple act of kindness pushed to the background all the pain, anger, and hurt we had brought upon each other. We became two people, not two arch rivals.  From that day forward, our relationship steadily improved becoming more cooperative and easy-going.  The battle lines had been erased.  You see, my taking the first step and being kind, gave my ex permission to be kind in turn.  It was okay to be civil to each other.  We could drop our guard.  We could lose the attitude.

That is what Christ calls us to do.  He calls us to be kind, to be compassionate, to be patient, to be understanding, to be loving, even if the other person isn’t.  Often, that is extremely difficult to do, especially with our ex.  We need supernatural grace to help us.  Christ was the world’s greatest change agent, leaving a wake of forgiveness, healing, and kindness in his path.  We can learn a lot from Him.  Pray for the humility and courage to be the change agent with your ex.  You will be amazed with just how human they are after all.

Finally, all of you, be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble.  Do not return evil for evil, or insult for insult; but, on the contrary, a blessing, because to this you were called, that you might inherit a blessing. – 1 Peter 3:8-9

Originally posted 2014-06-16 06:00:39.

It was about a month into my divorce when my former spouse stopped by the house to pick up something. She was all decked-out and clearly very excited about that night’s “big date.” I will never forget it. Here I was being crushed under the emotional weight of the divorce, yet she seemed so unscathed and appeared to have moved on like it was no big deal. It just seemed so unfair. I was suffering greatly while she got off scot-free.

I formed my opinion based on what I could see. God judges very differently; God judges the heart. He sees deep inside to our deepest motivations and is not fooled by our outward appearances. Trust that ultimately each of us will be held accountable for our actions before God. No matter how “right” we think we are, God will judge us by His standards. All the more reason to focus on what we can control, and make sure that in all we do we try and please God.

But the Lord said to Samuel: Do not judge from his appearance or from his lofty stature, because I have rejected him. God does not see as a mortal, who sees the appearance. The Lord looks into the heart. – 1 Samuel 16:7

Originally posted 2014-09-29 06:00:12.

Recently, a woman shared a story with me about how she had to deal with a very tense situation with her former husband. She explained how she had to wait in line with him for over an hour to get a utility bill changed into her name. He was not making it any easier on her by being very impatient and unpleasant. By the time they got to the window, her former spouse became more obnoxious, making the situation extremely uncomfortable for her and the account representative. During this entire time, she kept her cool. When everything was completed, and her former spouse had left, the account rep complimented this woman on how well she had handled this very difficult situation. Clearly, her patience, self-restraint, and dare I say, charity, spoke volumes.

The woman could have pulled the rip-cord on the entire situation by refusing to deal with her former spouse. But she didn’t. She pressed on, and in doing so, allowed God to bless her and the people around her. So often, we want to cut and run from difficult situations instead of allowing God to bless us in these moments. God only works in the present moment. By being open to how He is working in each moment, even the very trying ones, gives us the opportunity to receive His blessings. This willingness to endure allows blessings to flow and ultimately shared by all involved–even obnoxious former spouses.

Make me a channel of your peace. – Prayer of St. Francis

Originally posted 2014-03-20 11:00:22.

One night, I was in a boat with my brother on a lake near where I live. We could see lightning in the distance and thought that it was far away. It was getting late and we decided to head back to the dock. We were about 15 minutes into a 30 minute boat ride, when suddenly, the storm was upon us! Lightening was everywhere. Thunder boomed so loudly that it made the boat shake. Rain was pouring down, and visibility was less than a foot. We were being tossed around by the now violent swells. Here we were in the middle of a very large lake, at night, in a raging thunderstorm. To say I was nervous was an understatement–I was terrified! My brother calmly took control of the situation and guided us back to safety, albeit a little wet. It felt so good to get out of the storm and back on dry land.

This is a good metaphor for how we are called to act in the middle of the storm of divorce. We are called to lead: to lead in charity with our former spouse, to lead in patience with our kids, to lead in faith with our family, to lead in hope with the divorced in our community. It is easy to be afraid and to think only of ourselves. Yet, as Christians, we are called to lead those around us closer to Christ by our example–even our ex. So, when your divorce storm rages, lead the way back to the firm footing of our Savior with your love.

Blessed the one whom you guide, Lord, whom you teach by your instruction. — Psalm 94:12

Originally posted 2014-04-10 06:00:29.