Vince Fresekids – Vince Frese

Pain Instructs

Vince Frese — Thu, 08 Jan 2026 13:32:06 +0000

Not long ago one of my teenagers was grumbling about not being able to go out with friends because she had mismanaged her money and did not have enough money to buy gas for her car. She was not happy. We had a brief parent/daughter exchange about what lesson she learned from not managing her money properly. I, in all my parental wisdom, said simply, “Pain instructs.” This quote from Benjamin Franklin just seemed like the best words of wisdom I could offer at the time. Of course, my daughter didn’t think so, and she walked away rolling her eyes.

I think my daughter’s reaction to suffering is typical of most of us. We don’t like it. We don’t want anything to do with it. And we hope if we ignore it long enough, it will go away. Divorce certainly brings on significant suffering. There is the initial tidal wave of suffering that occurs when the divorce first hits. Then, there is an extended period of suffering, while not as intense, seems to confront us daily as we try to reconstruct our lives. Contrary to logic, it is in these daily sufferings where we have the greatest opportunity to make our lives better. Each suffering is an invitation from God for Him to act in our lives, an invitation to help us by teaching us, improving us, and loving us. When we run from our suffering, we push God away. We deny His invitation. Try instead to accept His invitation for help. Open your heart and mind to what He wants you to learn. Allow Him to use the experience to change and improve you. And most of all, receive His abundant love and mercy. Doing these things allows God to transform your suffering into something good.

In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. – 1 Peter 1:6-7

Originally posted 2014-08-27 06:00:35.

Yo-Yo

Vince Frese — Sun, 08 Sep 2024 01:27:24 +0000

Dealing with teenagers can be a real challenge. A typical teenager is concerned with one thing in their lives: themselves. As a result, they tend to make their relationship with their parents very transactional. They expect to request and to receive, and nothing more. Give them the car keys, and they are happy. Give them money for gas, the movies, or for clothes, and they are fulfilled. Ask them to clean-up the their room, or watch their baby brother, and it is as if you have asked them for a pint of blood. It’s all about them.

Many of us approach our relationship with God the same way. We expect to request and to receive, and nothing more. God has become our personal genie to fulfill our every request. Our relationship with God becomes largely a transactional one. We ask. He gives. Transaction completed. Sadly, this approach drastically limits the power of God to work in our lives. We limit our expectations to getting only what we ask for, and nothing more.

Instead, we should take a relational approach with God. Like a parent to their children, we must understand that God is always engaged in our lives seeking our greater good, whether we want it, or ask for it. If only teenagers understood how much more their parents are willing to give them. Yet, they tend to pull close to their parents when they want something, and push them away when they don’t. The relationship becomes like a yo-yo.

Don’t let that happen with God. Strive to keep Him ever-present in your mind and your life. Try to develop the habit of prayer throughout your day by sprinkling your day with heart-felt conversations with God, moments of quiet reflection, and an awareness for how God is working in your life. When you do, your relationship with God deepens. In turn, your awareness of His immense love and concern for you grows. He no longer is your genie. He becomes your closest friend, most trusted advisor, and greatest advocate.

I trust in you, Lord; I say “You are my God.” My destiny is in your hands. – Psalm 31:15-16

Originally posted 2014-09-11 06:00:33.

Single Parent Tip: What To Tell The Kids About Why You Got Divorced

Vince Frese — Sat, 13 May 2017 06:42:00 +0000

During my separation, I read a book about how to help kids through divorce. The general wisdom in this book regarding what to tell the kids was: 1) Don’t blame the other parent (good advice) and 2) Tell the kids that the reason for the divorce is because mommy and daddy are having “big people problems” (bad advice). I tried this with my kids and it didn’t work. Well, okay, the first part did work. I worked hard to present their mother in a good light even though that was far from reality. That helped the kids not have to pick sides, and it respected the image they had of their mother.

The second bit of advice was lousy. All it did was leave the kids confused and scratching their heads. Telling them their mother and I were having “big people problems” didn’t conform with the reality that they lived. Their day-to-day life was one where they saw mommy and daddy getting along. We were cooperative with each other, rarely fought, and seemed happy. To them, life was good. So, the day that they I told them that their mother and I were getting a divorce came as a complete and total surprise to them. When I tried the “big people problem” line on them, they weren’t buying it. They wanted to know exactly why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. In their mind, there had to be some significant reason their utopia was ending.

They were right, there were serious reasons why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. And while these reasons certainly were due to “big people problems,” disclosing them to the kids would shatter the image they had of their mother and create further pain. They kept asking “Why, Daddy, why?” and I kept giving them variations of the “big people problems” line. Nothing I said seemed to satisfy their desire to erase this question mark from their lives.

One day I was expressing this problem to a single-parent friend. She told me that she had experienced the same problem with her kids. With some trial and error, she came up with a solution that worked. She told her kids that when two people get married, they make a promise to love each other for life. She went on to tell them that for some reason, that she didn’t totally understand, their father decided he could no longer keep that promise. That did the trick. The endless questioning ceased. The question of “Why?” was answered with a very reasonable answer that makes sense to every kid: bad things happen when someone breaks a promise.

I asked the next obvious question which was: “Didn’t they ask you what promise Daddy had broken?”. She said, “Of course! I told them that they would have to ask their father since he would better be able to answer that question.” While this may seem like passing-the-buck over to the other parent, it does at least put the situation into perspective. The other parent will typically be grateful that you didn’t drag them through the mud, or give details of their offenses. For the kids, a big hole in the puzzle of their life has gotten somewhat smaller as some of the pieces have dropped into place.

When I gave this “broken promise” explanation to my kids, the questioning stopped. They almost seemed to relax. They finally had an answer that aligned with the reality they were experiencing: mommy made some kind of major decision because she moved out. This satisfied their need to understand why the divorce happened and helped them to accept it and start to move forward. The “broken promise” became the reason for the divorce shifting the focus away from the details that caused the promise to be broken. While the “broken promise” explanation may not the perfect solution in every circumstance (there isn’t one), it does give the kids something to hold onto that jives with their reality and sense of justice.

Originally posted 2010-05-05 21:36:59.

Single Parenting Tip: Involve Your Kids in Big Decisions

Vince Frese — Fri, 12 May 2017 06:27:59 +0000

Peaceville (notice the long, flat driveway!)

About a year after my divorce, I brought the subject of moving up to my three daughters. I had been through a nasty two-year custody battle and the thought of a fresh start was appealing to me. It made a lot of sense to distance ourselves from some of the people in our neighborhood who were negative influences in my divorce and my kids’ lives. I gently ran the idea by my kids and they were rather lukewarm about it. Let’s face it, they had been through plenty of changes and I could see on their faces that yet another big change was not what they had in mind.

After praying about it and still feeling called by the Holy Spirit to make a move, I approached the kids again over dinner one night. This time I said, “Okay kids, what would make you REALLY excited about moving? I mean jumping up and down, running around the house screaming, excited?” They pondered for a minute or two and then they started to chime in. My oldest said, “A swimming pool in our backyard!” With that, the other two yelled out, “YES! That would get us really excited!” Then one of them said, “A flat driveway to ride our bikes.” (Pathetically, the kids were forced to ride their bikes in circles in the garage since our driveway was sloped like Mt. Everest.) Again, another round of cheers from the kids. Then my youngest said, “A cat!” Boy, oh boy, that was a tough one. We had just gotten rid of a psycho cat that liked to use our dining room as a litter box. I swallowed hard and said, “A cat? Are you sure?” I got a resounding “YES!” from all three girls.

By the end of dinner, they were all gleefully jumping up and down asking me how soon we could move. Their lukewarm attitude had totally changed. Suddenly, they had some real say in what their future looked like and it got them really fired-up. I told them that I would go to work on finding a house that had a pool and a flat driveway. (I also held my nose and agreed to the cat as well.) I told them that if I could not find a house that met their requirements, we were not moving. I also told them that if I found a house, I would bring them to see it for their approval before buying it.

Over the course of the next couple of months, I looked at many houses, but none fit the bill. Then one day I got a call from my realtor. He said, “Hey Vince, a couple of houses came on the market over the weekend that I think you should look at.” The last house I looked at that day was perfect. It had a really long, and really flat, driveway that wrapped around the house. It had a great pool, complete with a diving board. That night I brought the kids out to see it. They loved it! They were jumping up and down with excitement and kept asking how soon could we move in. I tried to explain to them that I had to actually buy the house first before we could move in. With the kids approval in hand, I put an offer on the house that night and had a contract on it the next day. Everything happened so fast, I didn’t focus on the fact that I hadn’t even put my current house on the market! I was about to become the proud owner of two houses. Yikes! That was a problem as I could really only afford one house. Well, God came through is a BIG way as I sold my present house in only 22 days. (That tends to happen when you are doing His will.) I never had two house payments. God is so GOOD!

Great pool!

The kids and I moved out of our present house and into our new house and never looked back. They still talk about the exciting times surrounding our move. I learned a big lesson from this experience: involve your kids in the decisions that impact them. Kids impacted by divorce suffer greatly from a loss of control in their lives. As a result, they tend to be very sensitized to even the smallest changes. Allowing them to have real and meaningful input will give them a sense of control over their future and they will embrace the decisions as they are made–even big ones.

Oh yea, my kids even named our new house. They call it Peaceville.

Originally posted 2010-05-03 17:35:38.

Single Parenting Tip: Make Life Predictable

Vince Frese — Thu, 11 May 2017 05:52:01 +0000

I remember clearly the turmoil that surrounded my separation and divorce and how greatly it impacted my kids. Their mom moved out and suddenly their world was turned upside down. To them it was like an explosion went off and they were seriously dazed and confused. Nothing was familiar any more. Everything had changed. Like people after an earthquake, they were scared and edgy not knowing what was going to happen next. Nothing was predictable, nothing was certain anymore. To say they were anxious and afraid is a serious understatement.

Through the grace of God, I came to understand that the best thing I could do to help them was to make life very predictable again. While life as they knew it would be forever changed, I needed to create a new life that they could depend on. I set out to make each day be like the last–same routine, same schedule, same people, same everything. This is a case where boredom is good. Routine and predictability are essential to helping kids adjust, accept change, and begin to heal from the trauma of divorce. Predictability in their lives allows them to rebuild trust in you and in their new circumstances. That trust allows them to relax and for the anxiety and fear to subside.

Creating predictability is easier said then done, especially since with a divorce nothing in your life is predictable. This is why you need to work extra hard to shelter your unpredictable life from your kids. Make all the changes necessary in your life so your kids can make a few as possible in theirs. Change your work schedule if you have to. Eliminate other obligations so you can be more available to your kids. Do your very best not to move homes or schools during the critical first year. Keep doing as many of the same things with and for the kids as you did before the separation or divorce.

Trust that Christ knows every detail of your circumstances, knows your kids’ pain, and wants very much to help. Reach out to Him and pray daily for the strength and grace to shoulder the changes you need to make to create predictability in your kids’ world.

Originally posted 2010-04-29 15:01:25.

Single Parenting Tip: When To Introduce The Kids To Your New Flame

Vince Frese — Tue, 09 May 2017 04:31:04 +0000

NOTE: You should not date until you receive an annulment.

It happens all the time. There seems to be this natural tendency to introduce the kids to the new flame. You are excited about the new love in your life, and you expect your kids would be excited too, right? Wrong! Your kids have been through a very traumatic experience. They need you–all of you–now more than ever. Someone new in your life is often viewed by the kids as a threat to the time they have with you and your love for them. Also, the kids have a strong sense of loyalty toward their other parent. When you introduce your kids to someone you are dating, it creates an internal conflict within them. They are torn between being loyal to their other parent and pleasing you by sharing in your excitement. Here are some tips for how to handle dating and your kids:

It is best to shelter your kids completely from your dating life during the first year of your new relationship. Remember, after a divorce, kids are very sensitive to any changes, especially when it involves them (or you). The one thing that they wanted most to last forever: mom and dad being together, has been shattered. It is best not to introduce them to new people before you are sure the relationship will last.
Go slow with bringing the new person into their life. Often, kids are anxious that a new person in your life, will mean less of you in theirs. Sadly, that is often the case. Single parents have very little free time as it is. When you start dating someone, much of your free time goes to that person instead of your kids. Focus on balance, and if in doubt, decide on spending the free time with the kids, not your date. Your kids will thank you.
If you in the process of getting a divorce, consider putting the requirement that your ex-spouse introduce you to their new dating partner before introducing that person to the kids. This gives you the opportunity to size up the new person, voice any concerns to the ex, and prepare the kids. If you are already divorced, see if you can’t get your ex-spouse to agree to this. It is worth a shot.
Be smart about who you choose to date. You are a single parent–not single. You have kids and you need to consider their needs ahead of yours. Make sure that the person you are dating is “kid-friendly”. This means they either have kids of their own, or they understand that they are at least second in line behind the kids. If they are giving you a hard time about your kids when you start dating, it will only get worse over time.

While much of this seems like common sense, it is much easy to say then do–especially in the heat of a new relationship. No matter how perfect Prince Charming or Cinderella might be, it is always best to be very cautious when introducing them into your kids’ lives.

Background info: I was a single parent for over seven years raising my three daughters. What I write about above comes from my own personal experience. Hopefully, you can benefit from my mistakes (and wisdom!).

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Originally posted 2010-04-26 14:22:41.