If you are feeling overwhelmed by all the challenges of life, you are not alone. Even the apostles felt the same way, and they had Jesus walking and talking with them every day. In Mark’s Gospel account of the Jesus feeding the multitude (Mark 6:34-44), the apostles were totally overwhelmed with the prospect of having to feed over 5,000 people. They had no money, it was getting dark, and they were in the middle of nowhere. They did what most people would do in that situation: panic! You know the rest of the story. Jesus comes to their rescue by taking charge of the situation and feeds everyone by multiplying the bread and fish.

The apostles, blinded by their panic, failed to see that they had Jesus–God himself–right there with them. So instead of turning to Christ, they tried to solve the problem all on their own and basically gave up. We all tend to do the same thing. When the problems that result from separation and divorce overwhelm us, we tend to try to solve them all on our own, ignoring Christ, who is standing right next to us anxious to help. All we need to do is ask him and trust that he will help. Resolve today to turn to Christ first when the challenges and problems of life overwhelm you. Like the apostles, you will be amazed at how Christ, in his infinite love and mercy, will work in your life.

They all ate and were satisfied. – Mark 6:42

(c) Vince Frese

Originally posted 2011-01-04 11:13:18.

It Matthew’s recounting of the feeding of the five thousand, the apostles were overwhelmed at the prospect of having to feed so many people with only five loaves of bread and two fish. They clearly had a big problem.

When presented with significant problems, many of us tend to consider only what we can do on our own to solve the problem. That is a very narrow perspective that has a very limiting result. This is what happened with the apostles. Jesus told them to “give them something to eat” and they freaked out.  They were only thinking of what they could do, totally ignoring Jesus being God and His infinite power. The proper solution to the problem was to feed everyone. The only way to get from problem to a real, lasting, resolution was to turn to Christ and depend on him to make up for what they lacked. They were thinking small and it very significantly limited their power. Once they bring Christ into the situation, the impossible became possible. Christ is the key ingredient to making big things happen. Remember that. Otherwise, you will tend to think small and your problems/challenges are never properly resolved. Instead, think big and turn to Christ to make up the difference for what you lack. Expect him to show up. He so wants to!

Originally posted 2011-08-11 10:01:09.

Many times when I am a difficult situation, I am my own worst enemy. I worry and fret and then set about trying to solve all the problems by myself. Maybe you can relate. Christ reminds us over and over that we don’t have to go it alone. He will provide help. In fact, He tells us that He has given us an Advocate (John 16:7) and the Advocate will guide us (John 16:13). This Advocate is the Holy Spirit. So often, though, we block the power of the Holy Spirit and prevent Him from guiding us when we take matters into our own hands.

This reminds me of the scene from the first Star Wars movie where Luke Skywalker is being taught how to use a light saber. He is not doing very well and is getting stung by his hovering electronic sparring partner. His teacher, Obi-Wan Kenobi, tells him that he is relying too much on his own abilities and not enough on “The Force”. By relying only on himself he is blocking the ability of The Force to work through him and guide him to become a more effective warrior. To make his point, Obi-Wan has Luke put on a helmet that blocks his vision. He tells Luke that he must “let go of your conscious self” and trust The Force. By letting go of his self-sufficiency and trusting The Force, Luke is instantly able to fend off his sparring partner with supernatural talents that did not exist moments before. He surrendered himself to The Force and The Force was able to use him in extraordinary ways.

I think this is a good analogy for how the Holy Spirit works. When we ignore the Holy Spirit, we block Him from working–we block His “power”. In fact, Christ uses that exact term to describe the Holy Spirit when he refers to Him as the “power from on high” (Luke 24:49). We should take a tip from Obi-Wan Kenobi and fight our impulse to rely only on ourselves when faced with problems. Instead, we must invite the Holy Spirit to take over and guide our thoughts and actions. He is sure to give us supernatural powers making us much more effective in our daily battles.

Originally posted 2010-06-03 21:40:54.

The second bit of advice was lousy. All it did was leave the kids confused and scratching their heads. Telling them their mother and I were having “big people problems” didn’t conform with the reality that they lived. Their day-to-day life was one where they saw mommy and daddy getting along. We were cooperative with each other, rarely fought, and seemed happy. To them, life was good. So, the day that they I told them that their mother and I were getting a divorce came as a complete and total surprise to them. When I tried the “big people problem” line on them, they weren’t buying it. They wanted to know exactly why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. In their mind, there had to be some significant reason their utopia was ending.

They were right, there were serious reasons why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. And while these reasons certainly were due to “big people problems,” disclosing them to the kids would shatter the image they had of their mother and create further pain. They kept asking “Why, Daddy, why?” and I kept giving them variations of the “big people problems” line. Nothing I said seemed to satisfy their desire to erase this question mark from their lives.

One day I was expressing this problem to a single-parent friend. She told me that she had experienced the same problem with her kids. With some trial and error, she came up with a solution that worked.  She told her kids that when two people get married, they make a promise to love each other for life. She went on to tell them that for some reason, that she didn’t totally understand, their father decided he could no longer keep that promise. That did the trick. The endless questioning ceased. The question of “Why?” was answered with a very reasonable answer that makes sense to every kid: bad things happen when someone breaks a promise.

I asked the next obvious question which was: “Didn’t they ask you what promise Daddy had broken?”. She said, “Of course! I told them that they would have to ask their father since he would better be able to answer that question.” While this may seem like passing-the-buck over to the other parent, it does at least put the situation into perspective. The other parent will typically be grateful that you didn’t drag them through the mud, or give details of their offenses. For the kids, a big hole in the puzzle of their life has gotten somewhat smaller as some of the pieces have dropped into place.

When I gave this “broken promise” explanation to my kids, the questioning stopped. They almost seemed to relax. They finally had an answer that aligned with the reality they were experiencing: mommy made some kind of major decision because she moved out. This satisfied their need to understand why the divorce happened and helped them to accept it and start to move forward. The “broken promise” became the reason for the divorce shifting the focus away from the details that caused the promise to be broken. While the “broken promise” explanation may not the perfect solution in every circumstance (there isn’t one), it does give the kids something to hold onto that jives with their reality and sense of justice.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Twitter, Facebook

Originally posted 2010-05-05 21:36:59.

Peaceville (notice the long, flat driveway!)

About a year after my divorce, I brought the subject of moving up to my three daughters. I had been through a nasty two-year custody battle and the thought of a fresh start was appealing to me. It made a lot of sense to distance ourselves from some of the people in our neighborhood who were negative influences in my divorce and my kids’ lives. I gently ran the idea by my kids and they were rather lukewarm about it. Let’s face it, they had been through plenty of changes and I could see on their faces that yet another big change was not what they had in mind.

After praying about it and still feeling called by the Holy Spirit to make a move, I approached the kids again over dinner one night. This time I said, “Okay kids, what would make you REALLY excited about moving? I mean jumping up and down, running around the house screaming, excited?” They pondered for a minute or two and then they started to chime in. My oldest said, “A swimming pool in our backyard!” With that, the other two yelled out, “YES! That would get us really excited!” Then one of them said, “A flat driveway to ride our bikes.” (Pathetically, the kids were forced to ride their bikes in circles in the garage since our driveway was sloped like Mt. Everest.) Again, another round of cheers from the kids. Then my youngest said, “A cat!” Boy, oh boy, that was a tough one. We had just gotten rid of a psycho cat that liked to use our dining room as a litter box. I swallowed hard and said, “A cat? Are you sure?” I got a resounding “YES!” from all three girls.

By the end of dinner, they were all gleefully jumping up and down asking me how soon we could move. Their lukewarm attitude had totally changed. Suddenly, they had some real say in what their future looked like and it got them really fired-up. I told them that I would go to work on finding a house that had a pool and a flat driveway. (I also held my nose and agreed to the cat as well.) I told them that if I could not find a house that met their requirements, we were not moving. I also told them that if I found a house, I would bring them to see it for their approval before buying it.

Over the course of the next couple of months, I looked at many houses, but none fit the bill. Then one day I got a call from my realtor. He said, “Hey Vince, a couple of houses came on the market over the weekend that I think you should look at.” The last house I looked at that day was perfect. It had a really long, and really flat, driveway that wrapped around the house. It had a great pool, complete with a diving board. That night I brought the kids out to see it. They loved it! They were jumping up and down with excitement and kept asking how soon could we move in. I tried to explain to them that I had to actually buy the house first before we could move in. With the kids approval in hand, I put an offer on the house that night and had a contract on it the next day.  Everything happened so fast, I didn’t focus on the fact that I hadn’t even put my current house on the market! I was about to become the proud owner of two houses. Yikes! That was a problem as I could really only afford one house. Well, God came through is a BIG way as I sold my present house in only 22 days. (That tends to happen when you are doing His will.) I never had two house payments. God is so GOOD!

Great pool!

The kids and I moved out of our present house and into our new house and never looked back. They still talk about the exciting times surrounding our move. I learned a big lesson from this experience: involve your kids in the decisions that impact them. Kids impacted by divorce suffer greatly from a loss of control in their lives. As a result, they tend to be very sensitized to even the smallest changes. Allowing them to have real and meaningful input will give them a sense of control over their future and they will embrace the decisions as they are made–even big ones.

Oh yea, my kids even named our new house. They call it Peaceville.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Twitter, Facebook

Originally posted 2010-05-03 17:35:38.

Through the grace of God, I came to understand that the best thing I could do to help them was to make life very predictable again. While life as they knew it would be forever changed, I needed to create a new life that they could depend on. I set out to make each day be like the last–same routine, same schedule, same people, same everything. This is a case where boredom is good. Routine and predictability are essential to helping kids adjust, accept change, and begin to heal from the trauma of divorce. Predictability in their lives allows them to rebuild trust in you and in their new circumstances. That trust allows them to relax and for the anxiety and fear to subside.

Creating predictability is easier said then done, especially since with a divorce nothing in your life is predictable. This is why you need to work extra hard to shelter your unpredictable life from your kids. Make all the changes necessary in your life so your kids can make a few as possible in theirs. Change your work schedule if you have to. Eliminate other obligations so you can be more available to your kids. Do your very best not to move homes or schools during the critical first year. Keep doing as many of the same things with and for the kids as you did before the separation or divorce.

Trust that Christ knows every detail of your circumstances, knows your kids’ pain, and wants very much to help. Reach out to Him and pray daily for the strength and grace to shoulder the changes you need to make to create predictability in your kids’ world.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Twitter, Facebook

Originally posted 2010-04-29 15:01:25.

Christ knows all about the darkness that can invade our life. He spoke directly to this darkness when he said, “I came into the world as light, so that everyone who believes in me might not remain in darkness.” (John 12:46) Take great hope in that! Christ knows that you have, and will have, times of “darkness” in your life. The great news is He has provided a pathway out of the darkness: Himself.

Notice what he says, “…everyone who believes in me might not remain in darkness.” This belief is much more than a mental decision. It requires a total, complete, trust. The kind of clinging-to-the-scrap-of-wood-when-you’re-adrift-in-the-middle-of-a-stormy-sea trust. That piece of wood is your lifeline. Your life depends on it, and you are not letting go of it no matter what.  That is the type of trust you must have in Christ. Coming out of darkness is not typically a single event where suddenly the dawn breaks and your world is flooded with light. It is typically a process where gradually the darkness fades.  It will take time. During this time, cling tightly to Christ and know that he will lead you out of your darkness. He is your lifeline.

Take your darkness to Christ in prayer. Tell him you are scared out of your mind. Tell him you can’t see the road ahead. Tell him you have no idea where you are or where you are going. Then give him the greatest gift: tell Him that you are going to trust him–no matter what. Tell him that you are clinging to his feet and you are not letting go. After you do that, be sure to have your sunglasses handy because there’s a sunny forecast in your future.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Twitter, Facebook

Originally posted 2010-04-28 10:07:34.

It happens all the time. There seems to be this natural tendency to introduce the kids to the new flame. You are excited about the new love in your life, and you expect your kids would be excited too, right? Wrong! Your kids have been through a very traumatic experience. They need you–all of you–now more than ever. Someone new in your life is often viewed by the kids as a threat to the time they have with you and your love for them. Also, the kids have a strong sense of loyalty toward their other parent. When you introduce your kids to someone you are dating, it creates an internal conflict within them. They are torn between being loyal to their other parent and pleasing you by sharing in your excitement. Here are some tips for how to handle dating and your kids:

• It is best to shelter your kids completely from your dating life during the first year of your new relationship. Remember, after a divorce, kids are very sensitive to any changes, especially when it involves them (or you). The one thing that they wanted most to last forever: mom and dad being together, has been shattered. It is best not to introduce them to new people before you are sure the relationship will last.
• Go slow with bringing the new person into their life. Often, kids are anxious that a new person in your life, will mean less of you in theirs. Sadly, that is often the case. Single parents have very little free time as it is. When you start dating someone, much of your free time goes to that person instead of your kids. Focus on balance, and if in doubt, decide on spending the free time with the kids, not your date. Your kids will thank you.
• If you in the process of getting a divorce, consider putting the requirement that your ex-spouse introduce you to their new dating partner before introducing that person to the kids. This gives you the opportunity to size up the new person, voice any concerns to the ex, and prepare the kids. If you are already divorced, see if you can’t get your ex-spouse to agree to this. It is worth a shot.
• Be smart about who you choose to date. You are a single parent–not single. You have kids and you need to consider their needs ahead of yours. Make sure that the person you are dating is “kid-friendly”. This means they either have kids of their own, or they understand that they are at least second in line behind the kids. If they are giving you a hard time about your kids when you start dating, it will only get worse over time.

While much of this seems like common sense, it is much easy to say then do–especially in the heat of a new relationship. No matter how perfect Prince Charming or Cinderella might be, it is always best to be very cautious when introducing them into your kids’ lives.

Background info: I was a single parent for over seven years raising my three daughters. What I write about above comes from my own personal experience. Hopefully, you can benefit from my mistakes (and wisdom!).

(c) Vincent Frese, II

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Originally posted 2010-04-26 14:22:41.