I was recently at an arcade with my children when I encountered Sean, a young 12-year-old boy.  He had approached my kids, who had nearly run out of money and tickets.  They had been conspiring as to how to combine their ticket-earnings to redeem for a toy which would be pleasing to both when Sean came up and simply gave them all of his tickets, and there were a lot — 300 in total.   Shocked and dismayed, I asked the boy to please reconsider.  Why would he give all of his tickets to strangers?  Sean revealed that the tickets meant nothing to him.  He said that he came to this arcade every weekend, to which my children gasped and interrupted,”LUCKY!”.  He said that he had played every game, won every toy and that frankly, he was bored with the whole thing.  So I asked him why he came back every weekend?  He then revealed the sad truth: his father was in an adjoining room playing poker.  Every Saturday night his dad handed him a wad of cash, sent him into the arcade and instructed him to have fun.  The sadness present in this child’s eyes broke my heart.  On the surface, he was at a child’s Mecca with unending games, snacks, prizes and excitement.  However, what this boy really wanted was a relationship with his dad.  He was incredibly lonely and his heart was aching to be loved.

Originally posted 2014-10-31 06:00:30.

Many of us approach our relationship with God the same way. We expect to request and to receive, and nothing more. God has become our personal genie to fulfill our every request. Our relationship with God becomes largely a transactional one. We ask. He gives. Transaction completed. Sadly, this approach drastically limits the power of God to work in our lives. We limit our expectations to getting only what we ask for, and nothing more.

Instead, we should take a relational approach with God. Like a parent to their children, we must understand that God is always engaged in our lives seeking our greater good, whether we want it, or ask for it. If only teenagers understood how much more their parents are willing to give them. Yet, they tend to pull close to their parents when they want something, and push them away when they don’t. The relationship becomes like a yo-yo.

Don’t let that happen with God. Strive to keep Him ever-present in your mind and your life. Try to develop the habit of prayer throughout your day by sprinkling your day with heart-felt conversations with God, moments of quiet reflection, and an awareness for how God is working in your life. When you do, your relationship with God deepens. In turn, your awareness of His immense love and concern for you grows. He no longer is your genie. He becomes your closest friend, most trusted advisor, and greatest advocate.

I trust in you, Lord; I say “You are my God.” My destiny is in your hands. – Psalm 31:15-16

Originally posted 2014-09-11 06:00:19.

I often equate going through a divorce to being in a severe car accident. In both cases you emerge very badly battered and wounded, one emotionally and the other physically. Just as it takes a significant amount of time to heal from the physical injuries of a car accident, it also takes significant time to heal emotionally from a divorce. I did not realize this when I jumped quickly into a relationship within weeks of my divorce being final. About six months into this relationship, I hit the wall. I simply could not give the amount of energy, sacrifice, and love that the relationship required. After much internal struggle, I realized the right thing to do was to end the relationship.

Originally posted 2014-11-10 06:00:57.

I have a Catholic prayer book that is over one hundred pages long. In  this book there is every imaginable prayer. Prayers you would expect, like prayers for healing, but also some you would not, like prayers for safety during bad weather. Catholics never seem to be at a loss for ready-made prayers. It is not uncommon to think that reciting these types of prayers is what praying is all about. Yet, prayer is so much more.

The focus of prayer is to talk to Christ and to allow Him to guide you. Successful prayer is any activity that helps you be more sensitized to what Christ wants you to know, and your open response back to Him letting him know your deepest needs, fears, and dreams. The result is a relationship with Christ that forms a deep trust. It is this trust that allows you to persevere through difficult times, gives you courage to act, and develop a heart like Christ, allowing you to love others as He loves you.  

“Now this is eternal life, that they should know you, the only true God, and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.” – John 17:3  

Originally posted 2014-09-12 06:00:38.

“I’m miserable” was the reason I got from my former spouse when it was clear there were some serious problems in our marriage. It seems to be the all too common reason why people end their marriage. They are not “happy.” It has become so common that many people accept it as a legitimate reason to file for divorce. It’s not. The general thinking is that one’s spouse is responsible for providing happiness, and if they don’t deliver, toss them out and go find someone who does. Unfortunately, that very thinking will pretty much ensure that you won’t be happy. 

Happiness is one of those things that the harder you try to find it, the less likely you ever will. You see, happiness can’t be delivered to you from someone else. Happiness comes from the inside; it starts with you. It is what you experience when you love others. Not romantic love, per se, but the giving of yourself for the benefit of someone else. Want to be happy? Make other people happy first. This is a guaranteed recipe for personal happiness.

Happy are those who love you,
and happy are those who rejoice in your peace.
Happy too are all who grieve
over all your afflictions,
For they will rejoice over you
and behold all your joy forever. – Tobit 13:14

Originally posted 2014-11-19 06:00:58.

Have you ever had a time during the course of your divorce when you felt like doing something radical? I’ve spoken to many people who have done just that.  Maybe they adopted a totally new look, got a completely new haircut, sold their minivan for a sports car, or started to go clubbing.  When we go through an event like this, when the foundation of our life, our marriage, has been rocked, we often go into shock and do crazy things to try to find our new normal.  Most times, we are not being loyal to who we really are and these attempts to act out have a very short-lived impact, if any, yet that desire to act out radically is tempting. Here’s the only crazy idea that makes perfect sense:  make Jesus Christ your primary relationship.  Here’s why:

• Most of us feel as though we’ve been duped.  We thought we had made a good judge of character in our spouse and yet here we are.  Jesus Christ is a sure bet.
• He can totally relate to you.  He’s been abandoned, humiliated, betrayed by the ones He’s loved, even falsely accused.  He gets it — He gets you.
• You do not have to sit around and wait for Him.  He is waiting for you because He loved you first.  He waits for you 24 hours/day in every tabernacle in the world. He longs to spend meaningful time with you. He will not forget you or abandon you.
• He is real.  There are no head games with Christ.  What you see is what you get and you never have to question His motives.  He can be trusted.  He has only one motive — to love you through this.
• He loves you just the way you are.  You do not have to morph into some ideal that society has conditioned us to believe makes us desirable.  He pursues you because of who you are, the real you.  And He finds you irresistible.

Originally posted 2015-01-14 06:00:50.

Originally posted 2014-09-18 06:00:27.

At the workshops I give for divorced Catholics, I am often asked how to find the perfect spouse. Many people approach meeting their future spouse like it is a treasure hunt. They believe that the reason they have not met “the one” yet is because they are not looking in the right way, or in the right place. They are hoping for some kind of treasure map with the secret path clearly drawn out, complete with “X marks the spot.” Usually, they are sadly disappointed.

If your vocation is to marriage, the pathway to meeting your future spouse starts with you. Be the person you wish to meet. If you wish to meet a person of deep faith, really live your faith–all of it–even the hard parts. If you wish to meet a person who is honest, be an honest person in all things, not just those things that others know about. If you wish to marry a person who honors commitment, then do the same, even with people who don’t honor theirs. If you want a relationship filled with love, then sacrifice for others, especially people you don’t like, or who don’t like you. Virtue attracts virtue. So, as you strive to live a more authentically virtuous life, you will find yourself crossing paths with some pretty incredible people. Just don’t be shocked when you realize that one of them is you!

For the virtuous his paths are level, to the haughty they are clogged with stones. – Sirach 39:24

Originally posted 2014-11-13 06:00:54.

I could see the frustration and apprehension on Chloe’s face as she was telling me about her latest travail with her former spouse. Chloe was a participant in our Recovering from Divorce Program and had just gone through a divorce during the past year. She was really struggling with creating a cooperative, working relationship with her ex. It seemed that no matter what she did, her ex would undermine her efforts. The tension between them was just too high to allow any trust to develop. The result was a very rigid working relationship, with both parties staking out their territory and not giving an inch. This made it very difficult for them to co-parent their three small children.

My advice to her was to put her ex into training. She looked at me with a rather puzzled expression. I went on to explain that rarely does matching fire with fire work. It just makes a bigger fire. Instead, she should throw water on the fire by taking the lead in the relationship by treating her former spouse how she wants to be treated. She grimaced. Yes, I know, much easier said than done. Being kind and considerate toward your ex is often the last thing you want to do, but so worth it. This means taking the lead in being flexible and cooperative. If you know your ex has a conflict and can’t have the kids on their weekend, offer to swap weekends. Offer to meet halfway to pickup/drop off the kids. If your ex owes you money, offer to work out a payment plan. If your kids or friends start trash-talking your ex, stand up for him/her. The more your are able to show your ex the cooperation, flexibility and respect you desire, the more likely you are to get it from them. Pray for the strength and courage you need to live the Golden Rule.

Do to others whatever you would have them do to you. – Matthew 7:12 

Originally posted 2014-05-13 06:00:04.