Dealing With Your Former Spouse

Vince Frese — Tue, 14 Jan 2025 07:55:07 +0000

“I have had situations where clients have said to me: ‘I have prayed my rosary everyday for three years and that has not changed my ex one bit.’ Well, the wrong person got changed.”, shares Sandy McKay, a wonderful, Catholic therapist on the Voices of Hope DVD. This is so true. I know I fell into this trap of believing all my problems would go away if only my former spouse would change. I was in a holding pattern while I waited for God to change my ex to be more kind, more cooperative, and, well, less of a jerk. The more I prayed and the longer I waited, the more disappointed I became. I resigned myself to believe that dealing with my ex was always going to be difficult.

Then one day I was dropping off the kids for their weekly visitation and it happened to be my former spouse’s birthday. The kids were talking about it on the car ride over. As I got out of the car, I made eye contact with my ex, and in that awkward moment, the words, “Happy Birthday”, spontaneously came out of my mouth. You would have thought my former spouse just got shocked by a Taser. After the shock faded, my ex’s demeanor noticeably softened. In a kind, appreciative, voice I was told, “Thanks. I really appreciate that.” In that moment something changed. That simple act of kindness pushed to the background all the pain, anger, and hurt we had brought upon each other. We became two people, not two arch rivals. From that day forward, our relationship steadily improved becoming more cooperative and easy-going. The battle lines had been erased. You see, my taking the first step and being kind, gave my former spouse permission to be kind in turn. It was okay to be civil to each other. We could drop our guard. We could lose the attitude.

That is what Christ calls us to do. He calls us to be kind, compassionate, patient, understanding, and loving, even if the other person isn’t. Often, that is extremely difficult to do, especially with our ex. We need supernatural grace to help us. Christ was the world’s greatest change agent, leaving a wake of forgiveness, healing, and kindness in his path. We can learn a lot from Him. Pray for the humility and courage to be the change agent with your former spouse. You will be amazed with just how human they are after all.

Finally, all of you, be of one mind, sympathetic, loving toward one another, compassionate, humble. Do not return evil for evil, or insult for insult; but, on the contrary, a blessing, because to this you were called, that you might inherit a blessing. – 1 Peter 3:8-9

Originally posted 2013-10-07 11:00:08.

Three Simple Words

vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org — Sun, 07 Apr 2024 11:46:06 +0000

The phone bounced around in the corner a couple of times before coming to rest on the floor with its battery hanging out of it like the tongue of a dead duck. I had hurled it across the room bringing an abrupt end to a vicious verbal fight with my soon-to-be ex. I am not proud to admit that we were letting fly at each other every nasty word and insult you can imagine, and then some. The fight was the culmination of almost a year of daily battles, both in and out of court. It finally all came to a head in that twenty-minute nasty exchange.The phone was barely in pieces on the floor when I was filled with feelings of regret and shame. I had stooped to the lowest of lows to allow myself to lose control like that. That was not me, and I knew it. All the next day I was walking around with a pit in my stomach, the prior day’s fight replaying over and over in my mind. On the way home from work, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called my ex. I said that, while I stood by the points I had made, I was sorry for saying the mean and nasty things I said. After a long pause, I heard, “Thank you, that means a lot. I am sorry, too.”

Three days later we met in the conference room of a nearby library and in less than an hour ironed out all our differences–something we had failed to do after a year and many thousands in legal fees. Those three simple, yet very powerful, words was all it took to break the logjam of mistrust and anger. While apologizing often takes a great deal of humility, it is the key to overcoming conflict and finding common ground. Give it a shot, you have nothing to lose but your pride.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. – James 4:6 2007,

Originally posted 2014-06-13 06:00:16.

Vince Fresehumility – Vince Frese

Dealing With Your Former Spouse

Three Simple Words