I stayed in the house with the kids after the divorce, and I decided I needed to spruce the place up a bit.  A friend had recommended an interior designer to me, named Betty. I came to call her Crazy Betty because she was always hitting on me, and, invariably after our meetings, she would conveniently “forget” something requiring her to come back so she could hit on me some more. While it was somewhat gratifying to be getting this type of attention, Betty was over-the-top with all her compliments, her incessant pats on the back, gleeful giggles with the accompanying touching of my arm, and her shameless flirting. I always felt like a hurricane passed through my house after she left.

I put up with Betty because she was very talented and had an almost clairvoyant way of knowing what I liked. In the span of about three months, my family room, kitchen, laundry room and master bed and bathroom were transformed simply using a little paint, wallpaper, and moving some furniture around. The house now clearly had my fingerprints all over it. It felt good. It felt like me. It felt like home.

One of the most difficult aspects of divorce is letting go of your marriage and all the hopes and dreams that it was built upon. This is especially true if your physical surroundings have not changed. Every day is a constant reminder that something is missing, and that something is your former spouse. Help yourself to begin the hard, but necessary, process of letting go by making some simple changes to your physical surroundings. A little paint can go a long way toward helping you begin to enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come, and the song of the turtledove is heard in our land. – Song of Songs 2:11-12

Originally posted 2014-06-03 06:00:01.

It Matthew’s recounting of the feeding of the five thousand, the apostles were overwhelmed at the prospect of having to feed so many people with only five loaves of bread and two fish. They clearly had a big problem.

When presented with significant problems, many of us tend to consider only what we can do on our own to solve the problem. That is a very narrow perspective that has a very limiting result. This is what happened with the apostles. Jesus told them to “give them something to eat” and they freaked out.  They were only thinking of what they could do, totally ignoring Jesus being God and His infinite power. The proper solution to the problem was to feed everyone. The only way to get from problem to a real, lasting, resolution was to turn to Christ and depend on him to make up for what they lacked. They were thinking small and it very significantly limited their power. Once they bring Christ into the situation, the impossible became possible. Christ is the key ingredient to making big things happen. Remember that. Otherwise, you will tend to think small and your problems/challenges are never properly resolved. Instead, think big and turn to Christ to make up the difference for what you lack. Expect him to show up. He so wants to!

Originally posted 2011-08-11 10:01:09.

The second bit of advice was lousy. All it did was leave the kids confused and scratching their heads. Telling them their mother and I were having “big people problems” didn’t conform with the reality that they lived. Their day-to-day life was one where they saw mommy and daddy getting along. We were cooperative with each other, rarely fought, and seemed happy. To them, life was good. So, the day that they I told them that their mother and I were getting a divorce came as a complete and total surprise to them. When I tried the “big people problem” line on them, they weren’t buying it. They wanted to know exactly why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. In their mind, there had to be some significant reason their utopia was ending.

They were right, there were serious reasons why mommy and daddy were getting a divorce. And while these reasons certainly were due to “big people problems,” disclosing them to the kids would shatter the image they had of their mother and create further pain. They kept asking “Why, Daddy, why?” and I kept giving them variations of the “big people problems” line. Nothing I said seemed to satisfy their desire to erase this question mark from their lives.

One day I was expressing this problem to a single-parent friend. She told me that she had experienced the same problem with her kids. With some trial and error, she came up with a solution that worked.  She told her kids that when two people get married, they make a promise to love each other for life. She went on to tell them that for some reason, that she didn’t totally understand, their father decided he could no longer keep that promise. That did the trick. The endless questioning ceased. The question of “Why?” was answered with a very reasonable answer that makes sense to every kid: bad things happen when someone breaks a promise.

I asked the next obvious question which was: “Didn’t they ask you what promise Daddy had broken?”. She said, “Of course! I told them that they would have to ask their father since he would better be able to answer that question.” While this may seem like passing-the-buck over to the other parent, it does at least put the situation into perspective. The other parent will typically be grateful that you didn’t drag them through the mud, or give details of their offenses. For the kids, a big hole in the puzzle of their life has gotten somewhat smaller as some of the pieces have dropped into place.

When I gave this “broken promise” explanation to my kids, the questioning stopped. They almost seemed to relax. They finally had an answer that aligned with the reality they were experiencing: mommy made some kind of major decision because she moved out. This satisfied their need to understand why the divorce happened and helped them to accept it and start to move forward. The “broken promise” became the reason for the divorce shifting the focus away from the details that caused the promise to be broken. While the “broken promise” explanation may not the perfect solution in every circumstance (there isn’t one), it does give the kids something to hold onto that jives with their reality and sense of justice.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
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Originally posted 2010-05-05 21:36:59.

Peaceville (notice the long, flat driveway!)

About a year after my divorce, I brought the subject of moving up to my three daughters. I had been through a nasty two-year custody battle and the thought of a fresh start was appealing to me. It made a lot of sense to distance ourselves from some of the people in our neighborhood who were negative influences in my divorce and my kids’ lives. I gently ran the idea by my kids and they were rather lukewarm about it. Let’s face it, they had been through plenty of changes and I could see on their faces that yet another big change was not what they had in mind.

After praying about it and still feeling called by the Holy Spirit to make a move, I approached the kids again over dinner one night. This time I said, “Okay kids, what would make you REALLY excited about moving? I mean jumping up and down, running around the house screaming, excited?” They pondered for a minute or two and then they started to chime in. My oldest said, “A swimming pool in our backyard!” With that, the other two yelled out, “YES! That would get us really excited!” Then one of them said, “A flat driveway to ride our bikes.” (Pathetically, the kids were forced to ride their bikes in circles in the garage since our driveway was sloped like Mt. Everest.) Again, another round of cheers from the kids. Then my youngest said, “A cat!” Boy, oh boy, that was a tough one. We had just gotten rid of a psycho cat that liked to use our dining room as a litter box. I swallowed hard and said, “A cat? Are you sure?” I got a resounding “YES!” from all three girls.

By the end of dinner, they were all gleefully jumping up and down asking me how soon we could move. Their lukewarm attitude had totally changed. Suddenly, they had some real say in what their future looked like and it got them really fired-up. I told them that I would go to work on finding a house that had a pool and a flat driveway. (I also held my nose and agreed to the cat as well.) I told them that if I could not find a house that met their requirements, we were not moving. I also told them that if I found a house, I would bring them to see it for their approval before buying it.

Over the course of the next couple of months, I looked at many houses, but none fit the bill. Then one day I got a call from my realtor. He said, “Hey Vince, a couple of houses came on the market over the weekend that I think you should look at.” The last house I looked at that day was perfect. It had a really long, and really flat, driveway that wrapped around the house. It had a great pool, complete with a diving board. That night I brought the kids out to see it. They loved it! They were jumping up and down with excitement and kept asking how soon could we move in. I tried to explain to them that I had to actually buy the house first before we could move in. With the kids approval in hand, I put an offer on the house that night and had a contract on it the next day.  Everything happened so fast, I didn’t focus on the fact that I hadn’t even put my current house on the market! I was about to become the proud owner of two houses. Yikes! That was a problem as I could really only afford one house. Well, God came through is a BIG way as I sold my present house in only 22 days. (That tends to happen when you are doing His will.) I never had two house payments. God is so GOOD!

Great pool!

The kids and I moved out of our present house and into our new house and never looked back. They still talk about the exciting times surrounding our move. I learned a big lesson from this experience: involve your kids in the decisions that impact them. Kids impacted by divorce suffer greatly from a loss of control in their lives. As a result, they tend to be very sensitized to even the smallest changes. Allowing them to have real and meaningful input will give them a sense of control over their future and they will embrace the decisions as they are made–even big ones.

Oh yea, my kids even named our new house. They call it Peaceville.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
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Originally posted 2010-05-03 17:35:38.

Through the grace of God, I came to understand that the best thing I could do to help them was to make life very predictable again. While life as they knew it would be forever changed, I needed to create a new life that they could depend on. I set out to make each day be like the last–same routine, same schedule, same people, same everything. This is a case where boredom is good. Routine and predictability are essential to helping kids adjust, accept change, and begin to heal from the trauma of divorce. Predictability in their lives allows them to rebuild trust in you and in their new circumstances. That trust allows them to relax and for the anxiety and fear to subside.

Creating predictability is easier said then done, especially since with a divorce nothing in your life is predictable. This is why you need to work extra hard to shelter your unpredictable life from your kids. Make all the changes necessary in your life so your kids can make a few as possible in theirs. Change your work schedule if you have to. Eliminate other obligations so you can be more available to your kids. Do your very best not to move homes or schools during the critical first year. Keep doing as many of the same things with and for the kids as you did before the separation or divorce.

Trust that Christ knows every detail of your circumstances, knows your kids’ pain, and wants very much to help. Reach out to Him and pray daily for the strength and grace to shoulder the changes you need to make to create predictability in your kids’ world.

(c) Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Twitter, Facebook

Originally posted 2010-04-29 15:01:25.

It happens all the time. There seems to be this natural tendency to introduce the kids to the new flame. You are excited about the new love in your life, and you expect your kids would be excited too, right? Wrong! Your kids have been through a very traumatic experience. They need you–all of you–now more than ever. Someone new in your life is often viewed by the kids as a threat to the time they have with you and your love for them. Also, the kids have a strong sense of loyalty toward their other parent. When you introduce your kids to someone you are dating, it creates an internal conflict within them. They are torn between being loyal to their other parent and pleasing you by sharing in your excitement. Here are some tips for how to handle dating and your kids:

• It is best to shelter your kids completely from your dating life during the first year of your new relationship. Remember, after a divorce, kids are very sensitive to any changes, especially when it involves them (or you). The one thing that they wanted most to last forever: mom and dad being together, has been shattered. It is best not to introduce them to new people before you are sure the relationship will last.
• Go slow with bringing the new person into their life. Often, kids are anxious that a new person in your life, will mean less of you in theirs. Sadly, that is often the case. Single parents have very little free time as it is. When you start dating someone, much of your free time goes to that person instead of your kids. Focus on balance, and if in doubt, decide on spending the free time with the kids, not your date. Your kids will thank you.
• If you in the process of getting a divorce, consider putting the requirement that your ex-spouse introduce you to their new dating partner before introducing that person to the kids. This gives you the opportunity to size up the new person, voice any concerns to the ex, and prepare the kids. If you are already divorced, see if you can’t get your ex-spouse to agree to this. It is worth a shot.
• Be smart about who you choose to date. You are a single parent–not single. You have kids and you need to consider their needs ahead of yours. Make sure that the person you are dating is “kid-friendly”. This means they either have kids of their own, or they understand that they are at least second in line behind the kids. If they are giving you a hard time about your kids when you start dating, it will only get worse over time.

While much of this seems like common sense, it is much easy to say then do–especially in the heat of a new relationship. No matter how perfect Prince Charming or Cinderella might be, it is always best to be very cautious when introducing them into your kids’ lives.

Background info: I was a single parent for over seven years raising my three daughters. What I write about above comes from my own personal experience. Hopefully, you can benefit from my mistakes (and wisdom!).

(c) Vincent Frese, II

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Originally posted 2010-04-26 14:22:41.

There are two ways to approach this: the temporal and the spiritual. Both are necessary and in the right balance for the odds to be put in your favor of insuring consistency in raising your kids Catholic. That’s really all we can hope for is “consistency” in living our Catholic faith with our children since “divorce” and “consistency” tend to be oxymorons.

The spiritual approach is the most readily available. In short, it means praying like crazy to God, to Jesus, to the Blessed Mother, to St. Joseph, and to St. Michael to keep our kids Catholic despite what is swirling around them. This is fundamental. Do that every day.

The temporal approach is a little more of a bare knuckle approach because it involves the legal process. If you have not finalized your divorce, then I highly encourage you to put into your divorce decree very specific requirements regarding your children’s Catholic faith. Once it is in writing, you have the power of the courts to back you up and help you facilitate raising your kids Catholic. That is much better then leaving it up to the fickle nature of an ex-spouse.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Have in your decree that you get the kids back by 4PM on Sundays. This will allow you time to get to the Sunday evening Mass. Many agreements “default” to 6PM. That’s too late.

2. Have in your decree that your ex-spouse will make every effort to cooperate with you in raising your children Catholic. State that this also means not introducing them to other faiths because that causes the kids confusion and anxiety. Sorry, the Protestant faiths are very different then the Catholic faith no matter what your ex might try to tell you (and the kids). This also means not speaking badly of the faith or of you for raising them Catholic. Get that in your agreement.

3. Put in your decree that you have your kids by 9AM every Easter. Chances are you won’t get a fight, especially if your ex is not practicing their faith. Easter is the most important day of the Liturgical year. Make sure your kids are celebrating it.

4. Be sure to have in your decree that your ex will take the kids to their CCD classes, especially if they are on their weekend. This also means allowing them to go on retreats and other church activities, even if it falls on their weekends or other visitation time.

5. See if you can’t get your ex to agree to take the kids to Mass on the Sunday’s they are with him/her. It may be a long shot, but ask for it anyway.

You may be thinking, “Yeah right, my ex would NEVER agree to any of this.” Okay, maybe he/she won’t, but you need to try. You may have to get very creative with your negotiations. If money is a big deal with your ex, consider making some economic concessions. Isn’t your kids’ salvation worth it?! If time is a big deal, offer more time with the kids. The point is, that just about anything of this world is worth giving up in exchange for consistency and a firm foundation for your kids in their Catholic faith.

Lastly, you might be surprised how supportive judges are of maintaining the children’s faith lives. Judges don’t like major changes in how the kids have been raised prior to the divorce. They understand that radical changes cause undue anxiety and stress for kids. They like consistency. If you have been consistent in raising your kids Catholic prior to the divorce, the chances are extremely good that the judge will support you in raising them Catholic after the divorce. Fighting for their faith before the divorce is settled is well worth the effort. Like the saying goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

If you have already settled your divorce, it is still not too late. Now that you have been living with your agreement for some period of time, it is highly likely there are things about it that both you and your ex would like changed. Use that as an opportunity to renegotiate to get some of the above concessions in your agreement. You don’t necessarily have to go back to court. If you both can agree on it, that will work as an informal agreement. This is not the best since typically the ex will renege on the changes they agreed upon as soon as some other disagreement comes up (and it most likely will). But, any victory is a victory no mater how small, or for how long. Sadly, you may have to go back to court and fight for changes to the agreement to help insure a Catholic upbringing for your kids, especially if your ex is totally uncooperative, or worse, is undermining the kids’ faith.

If all else fails, pray to St. Michael and put your kids firmly in his care. He is our protector and defender.

(c) 2010, Vincent Frese, II

Check out divorcedcatholic.org for answers and insights for divorced or separated Catholics.

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Originally posted 2010-01-19 11:27:00.