I remember when I was in the throes of my divorce, one of my co-workers said, “I know this is difficult. You deserve to be happy.” I thought, “Yea, she’s right. I do deserve to be happy!” I approached happiness like some kind of life achievement, like graduating from high school. I wanted to graduate from misery to happiness. I really expected that once getting through the hell of divorce, I would stay in a state of happiness for the rest of my life. I paid my dues, I got the t-shirt, and I deserved to wear it every day. Yet, the more I tried to achieve a constant state of happiness, the more fleeting it became. Some days I felt happy. Some days not. I was smiling on the outside, but deep down I was just not happy. I kept telling myself I was doing something wrong because I could never sustain the state of happiness the world (and my friends) told me I deserved.

I was doing something wrong. I was making my personal happiness my life’s goal. What I did not understand was that happiness is an emotion, and emotions can change like the weather. Happiness is life’s cotton candy. It is great for a while and then it is gone. It simply does not last forever. Well, if happiness doesn’t last forever, what does? It took me a few years and my share of discontentment until I discovered the answer: joy. Joy is not an emotion, but a state of being. (Better still, it is a fruit of the Holy Spirit.) Instead of being fleeting, it is enduring. It is a deep abiding peace that can never be taken away–no matter what is happening in your life. What is the source of joy? Jesus. As Catholics we are so blessed to have Jesus so readily available to us. We can find him in abundance in the Eucharist, and also in Scripture, Reconciliation, and in prayer. If you want more joy, get more Jesus in your life.

“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.” – John 15:11

Originally posted 2014-08-29 06:00:26.

The face was pretty, yet the eyes held a deep sadness. I would guess that “Sandy” was in her late 30’s. She came to one of my workshops searching for answers. While she couldn’t quite seem to put the questions into words, her being there told the whole story. “I have been divorced about a year and a half, have two young kids, and I just moved in with my boyfriend,” she shared, almost like a confession. Sandy had chosen a path for her life and that of her kids, but the tone in her voice told me she was not at all certain it was the right one.

Divorce leaves us dazed and confused; we try desperately to put our lives back together. In our desperation, we choose a path for our life hoping that it will lead us to the peace we so anxiously yearn for. More often than not, it is a dead-end. Why is that? Well, because there is only one path to peace: Jesus Christ.

Like Sandy, we all are guilty of trying every other path, thinking, hoping, we will, at last, find peace. In Sandy’s case, she staked everything on that relationship with her boyfriend. She thought that was the path to peace for her and her kids. Her heart told her what her head had refused to believe: she was on the wrong path. Her decision to show up that day, while on the surface seemed like a search for answers, was really a decision to start down a new path, a path led by Christ. The same is true for you, too. It is never too late to chart a new course, to start down a new path — this time with Christ as your guide.

“I am the way and the truth and the life.” – John 14:6

Originally posted 2017-10-09 15:10:03.

The Catholic Church is the source of Christ’s truth. While you may not always understand or agree with that truth, it is the truth nonetheless. Because it is of God, truth has by its very nature a healing and comforting aspect to it. Although sometimes difficult, the truth will always lead you to the right place–a place of peace. If you are feeling the desire to distance yourself from the Church, you are moving away from the very thing that will bring you the abundant peace and joy you are seeking. As you reflect and discern the impact of your divorce or separation on the rest of your life, it is best to remain engaged with the Church, her Sacraments, her teaching, and her community. So, go to Mass, go to reconciliation, go to adoration in front of the Blessed Sacrament (if available), seek out (or start) a divorce ministry, stay plugged into your faith and your Church. Seek the Truth!

Blessed is the man who does not walk
in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the way of sinners,
nor sit in company with scoffers.
Rather, the law of the LORD is his joy;
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted near streams of water,
that yields its fruit in season;
Its leaves never wither; whatever he does prospers.
Psalm 1:1-3

Originally posted 2014-11-25 06:00:12.

I think this is a great metaphor for what divorce is like. We find ourselves lost in a very uncertain time in our lives. We have no idea what our future holds, and we are filled with fear. In many ways we are in a fight for our lives, too — a fight to preserve our life’s values.  And if we have children, a fight to preserve the best life for them as well. We become consumed with what we need to do to win the fight. We think everything depends on what we do. The truth is, just like Simba and Nala, we need a King to save us. Their king was Mufasa, our King is Christ.

How differently Simba and Nala would have reacted to getting lost if they had known that Mufasa would save them. Sure, they may have been anxious, but they would have navigated through the difficult time with a confidence that comes from trusting in their savior to come through for them. We must do the same. In our case, we do know how the story ends. We were given the spoiler 2,000 years ago when Christ died on the cross and saved us. Let this truth create an envelope of trust around you so you can take on the mighty challenges of divorce knowing, no matter what struggles you face, your Savior will come through for you in the end.

“I will never forsake you or abandon you.” – Hebrews 13:5

Originally posted 2014-09-04 06:00:12.

I remember feeling very sad at this cynical viewpoint, and I told her so. I went on to explain, that while the body certainly ages, virtue never does. I told her that what men and women alike are really seeking is someone of virtue, not some perfect physical specimen. A person who lives their life guided by timeless virtues like honesty, integrity, commitment, self-control, respect, kindness, and selflessness, is a rare person indeed. This is what makes them so attractive. And virtuous people always attract other virtuous people.

Physically attractive people are everywhere, virtuous people are not. Without virtue, all that you will have left as you age is wrinkles. Live a life of virtue and you will remain vibrant and attractive no matter how old you get.

Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue… – 2 Peter 1:5 

Originally posted 2014-08-01 06:00:23.

After my divorce, I remember scouring the Catechism for information regarding dating and relationships. Frankly, I was looking for a loophole that would allow me to pursue intimate relationships. I rationalized that since I was divorced, there must be certain exemptions for me. I wanted to date again, and I wanted to be intimate. After all, I was now “single” and everyone was telling me this was my ticket to happiness and fulfillment. To my dismay, I didn’t find any loopholes. Instead, I found passages regarding chastity. My reaction was one of disbelief. I recall thinking: “Who is the Church kidding? They are so out of touch with the world today. Chastity is such a medieval concept.” I discarded it and went on my merry way.

After a year of heading down my unchaste path, I realized that it brought me just the opposite of what I expected: emptiness and regret. At this point, I knew I had to make a change in my life–and did I ever! After much soul-searching, I decided to live my faith fully and I committed to a chaste life. It was a huge decision that I was very scared to make. Thank God I did. It was the best decision I ever made. Not only did I gain a tremendous sense of peace in my life, but that one decision made every decision after that align my life closer and closer with God’s will. God’s abundant blessings began to pour into my life. Years later as I reflect back on that difficult decision, I am blown away by God’s incredible plan for me. One I would have totally missed if I continued to follow my plan. Choosing to live my faith was the difference that made all the difference.

Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy. – Catechism of the Catholic Church 2339

Originally posted 2014-10-08 06:00:01.

The next day, the 140 kids that were in the youth group at his parish gave him an ordination gift. It was a St. Christopher medal. On the back was an inscription that read:

October 15, 1988
Congratulations!
We Love you,
Larry’s Kids

Fr. Larry was dumbfounded. God heard his cry and gave him over 140 kids for him to love and look after! This story underscores the lesson that we can never outdo God in generosity. He knows the deepest yearnings of our heart. When we struggle and suffer to be faithful and do His will, He will bless us more abundantly than we can ever imagine.

If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him! – Matthew 7:11

Originally posted 2014-10-01 06:00:39.

When the thought to move my kids to a totally new area of town after my divorce first entered my mind, I dismissed it as nonsense. I was a single parent, and I was up to my eyeballs in the day-to-day reality of raising three kids on my own and running a business. Plus, I was still emotionally raw from a very difficult two year divorce. Yet, the more I tried to push the thought out of my mind, the more it haunted me. The more I tried to convince myself that it was a bad idea, the more this feeling of excitement and “rightness” grew within me. As the days and weeks clicked by, I could not shake this idea. One day as I was praying, in a burst of frustration, I let go of my fears and excuses and shouted to Our Lord, “Okay! Okay! If that’s what you want me to do, I will do it.” Six weeks later all the pieces miraculously fell into place, and I was in my new home, ushering in a period of happiness and peace for me and my kids.

When thoughts or inspirations hit you from out-of-the-blue, especially if they haunt you, don’t ignore them. That is usually a sign that the Holy Spirit is at work. Bring them into prayer and ask Our Lord for guidance. Ask him if these inspirations are from him. Seek spiritual direction from a priest or spiritual director. The feelings associated with the inspiration are also clues. Being afraid to do something is not a sound reason not to do it. Doing the right thing is often difficult and overwhelming. However, a lack of peace is not the same as fear. It is that equally haunting feeling that something is just not right, and is a warning sign that the inspiration is most likely not of God. Things of God bring a sense of peace with them.

The resistance you feel to God’s inspirations is often the friction from fear. Trusting in Christ is the lubricant. Once you surrender your fears and begin to really trust him, you will be amazed at how everything falls into place. That’s how Christ works. He rewards our surrender and trust with abundant peace and joy.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Originally posted 2014-07-28 06:00:07.

“Why are you taking pictures of a church that doesn’t care about its people?!” were the words that rudely broke the silence as I was trying to inconspicuously take a few pictures of a magnificent old church near where I was visiting. I turned around to see a disheveled older man who clearly hadn’t had a bath, or shave, in quite some time. He went on with his complaints, ending with, “They don’t try to help. They just want to judge.”

Startled, and embarrassed for being more obvious than I had hoped, I blurted out, “I promise you, you are in a house of love.” Having no idea where those words came from, I was now feeling even more embarrassed as the situation veered a little more out of my control. I never expected to be thrust into the role of a preacher to the homeless when I innocently walked into the church that morning. My new friend paused for a few seconds to take in what I had just said. Then his gaze softened, and he asked, “Really?” I replied, “Yes, really.”

I was starting to feel good for doing my part to instill some hope into the hopeless when he broke into a rather toothless smile and asked, “Hey, do you think you could spare some change for someone who has none?” I guess he was now holding me accountable to my promise. I numbly reached into my pocket and pulled out the first bill I felt and handed it to him. His eyes got as big as saucers as he took the $20 bill from my hand. Clearly, it was way more than he (and I) was expecting. Next came a litany of “Bless you, bless you!” as he walked away very happy.

I would like to believe that I changed that man’s impression of the Church that day–even if just for a day. His complaints were really cries for help and compassion. He had wanted to believe that the Church would live up to its reputation as a sanctuary of love. When he didn’t experience that, he became disillusioned and bitter.

When experiencing divorce, we have all been like this man. Desperate, we turn to the Church and beg for help and mercy, trusting that it is there. Sadly, too often, we are disappointed. Don’t give up. No matter what your past experience has been, our Church has been a direct channel for God’s love and mercy for more than 2,000 years. And it still is. At its core is Jesus Christ–love personified. While it is true that in the past the Church has been deaf to the needs of divorced Catholics, change is happening. Your cries have been heard, and, like my new friend, you are bound to receive much more than you expected.

“When, however, this leaving one’s father and mother, and joining oneself to a woman, and going forward… when this love fails – because many times it fails – we have to feel the pain of the failure, [we must] accompany those people who have had this failure in their love. Do not condemn. Walk with them – and don’t practice casuistry [deceptive reasoning] on their situation.” – Pope Francis, Homily, February 28, 2014

Originally posted 2014-12-17 06:00:39.

At our house we have a standing requirement that all the kids’ cell phones stay in the kitchen when they go to bed. Boy, how the kids hate this rule! They make every excuse in the book as to why they need their cell phones in their bedroom at night. My favorite one is: “I must have my cell phone at night because I use it as an alarm clock, and if I don’t have my phone, I won’t wake up.” Like a good old fashioned alarm clock (which they have) won’t work? Hmmm…. Of course the kids see this as a very oppressive rule drastically limiting their freedom. What they can’t see is that, while this rule is restrictive, its intent really is to help them. As their parents, we know it helps them avoid the temptation of texting their friends all hours of the night, playing games, and, in general, being distracted from getting a good night’s sleep–something critical for them to perform at their best the next day. What they see as oppressive is at its heart actually very helpful. And, while contrary to what my kids might think, this rule was created out of love for them. A love that only desires what is best for them, even if they don’t understand it or see it that way.

When you read the Catechism of our Catholic faith, you will certainly see that our faith also has many clearly defined requirements, guidelines, and, well, I guess you can call them, “rules.” Catholics seem to have a rule for everything. While these rules can be comforting, and give you trusted guidance as you navigate through life, they can also seem oppressive and punitive. This is especially true when you experience divorce. Suddenly, you have to abide by a set of doctrines that are unknown, unfamiliar, and might even seem downright unfair. This can add insult to injury, just at the time in your life when what you need more than anything is acceptance, encouragement, and support.

When you are feeling the burden of living your Catholic faith, try and look at it from a parent’s perspective. Pray for the wisdom to see past the rules and to understand the underlying abundant love your Heavenly Father has for you. A love that only wants what is best for you. A love that is made concrete by living your Catholic faith fully, even though it may be very difficult to do sometimes. Your Heavenly Father does not want to punish you with a bunch of rules; He wants to lead you to a life of abundance.

“If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give…” – Luke 11:13

Originally posted 2014-10-21 06:00:15.