“You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!” Those were the famous words that Jack Nicholson delivered so passionately in the movie A Few Good Men. And he was right. Many people can’t handle the truth, especially when it sheds light on poor choices or brings on consequences. This is often the case when a marriage ends in divorce. One spouse is usually trying to make the other spouse acknowledge and live the truth of their marriage vows. All too often, one of the two can’t handle (or live) that truth.

Just because one person refuses to accept the truth, doesn’t make it any less true. Thanks be to God! If the truth was only true if you believed it, you would have no foundation to build your life on. The truth is so desperately needed when someone is grappling with divorce. So often they have been surrounded by lies, or its kissing cousin, denial, for so long, confusion and uncertainty abound. Build you life on the truth of Jesus Christ; you will experience the clarity, certainty, and peace that comes with building your life on a foundation of rock.

“For this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice.” – John 18:37

Originally posted 2013-08-26 11:00:40.

The house I bought after my divorce was a real fixer-upper. One of the many projects I tackled was to redo the landscaping in the front yard. It was a mess. One part of the project was to literally scrape the sod off the lawn and transplant it to where I had removed a tree…in August…in Georgia. It was hot, sweaty, hard work.

Hard work tends to be highly valued because it is recognized as providing many benefits, including the formation of the worker. We are proud of ourselves when we work hard. We feel good.

What about loving hard? Do we look at the super-duper effort we put into loving others with the same esteem as we look at hard work? Probably not. We tend to associate love with warm and fuzzy feelings. We don’t typically describe love as arduous, difficult, or even work.

Yet, that is often what is required in life, especially after divorce. We must decide to love, even when we don’t want to. Love can be just as difficult and arduous as manual labor.

Loving hard is what you do when you offer to help your former spouse with the kids — even when it’s not your weekend. Loving hard is biting your tongue and not taking the bait when your former spouse tries to goad you into an argument. Loving hard is sitting with your former in-laws at your kid’s soccer game AND being pleasant. Loving hard is wishing your former spouse a happy birthday. Loving hard is forgiving the unforgivable.

Our ultimate model for loving hard is Jesus Christ. His love for us resulted in Him voluntarily being nailed to a cross and dying for our sins. If that is not loving hard, I don’t know what is. This is good to remember the next time you are called on to love hard.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Originally posted 2018-04-19 00:30:23.

The face was pretty, yet the eyes held a deep sadness. I would guess that “Sandy” was in her late 30’s. She came to one of my workshops searching for answers. While she couldn’t quite seem to put the questions into words, her being there told the whole story. “I have been divorced about a year and a half, have two young kids, and I just moved in with my boyfriend,” she shared, almost like a confession. Sandy had chosen a path for her life and that of her kids, but the tone in her voice told me she was not at all certain it was the right one.

Divorce leaves us dazed and confused; we try desperately to put our lives back together. In our desperation, we choose a path for our life hoping that it will lead us to the peace we so anxiously yearn for. More often than not, it is a dead-end. Why is that? Well, because there is only one path to peace: Jesus Christ.

Like Sandy, we all are guilty of trying every other path, thinking, hoping, we will, at last, find peace. In Sandy’s case, she staked everything on that relationship with her boyfriend. She thought that was the path to peace for her and her kids. Her heart told her what her head had refused to believe: she was on the wrong path. Her decision to show up that day, while on the surface seemed like a search for answers, was really a decision to start down a new path, a path led by Christ. The same is true for you, too. It is never too late to chart a new course, to start down a new path — this time with Christ as your guide.

“I am the way and the truth and the life.” – John 14:6

Originally posted 2017-10-09 15:10:03.

“I can’t ever imagine my life without this overwhelming pain,” I managed to choke out between my sobs to my counselor. It had been about three months after my divorce was filed, and I was overwhelmed with grief. I believed the rest of my life was going to be filled with the intense emotional pain I was experiencing, and I knew I couldn’t bear it. I had truly lost hope for my future and was at the point of total despair.

My very wise counselor made one simple suggestion that made a huge, positive impact. She suggested that I reflect on my faith. She went on to explain that faith is a decision. If I exclude the reality of God from my life, then there is nothing to hope for and grief turns into despair. However, if I include the reality of God in my life, there is always something greater — no matter the grief and pain. It is this reality that is the reason for hope. Her gentle reminder about my faith was a real paradigm shift in how I viewed my situation.

Faith is a decision that we all must make at some point in our lives. We must decide that either this world is all there is or there is something beyond this life that is so much greater. Our decision is what makes all the difference.

Grief is an indicator of transition — a change, a letting go. When Our Lord is brought into this transition, He will bring new life. Even though this new life may not be what we had planned, because it is built on trust in Christ, there ultimately will be joy — a joy that this physical world can’t touch.

And that is exactly what happened to me, and it can happen to you too. Believe.

“Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will become joy.” — John 16:20

Originally posted 2018-02-15 00:30:44.

“My daughter wants nothing to do with me.” John said with a quiver in his voice and tears welling up in his eyes. John proceeded to tell me how his kids had become alienated from him because of his divorce. His phone calls went unanswered, and his texts were never returned. He was hurting, and he was ready to give up. He reached out to me as a last-ditch effort to try and figure out what to do.

I advised him to never give up loving his kids. I told him that surely they were in a lot of pain from the divorce, and they were rejecting him because of that pain — for now. I suggested that he continue to text them each week, call them routinely, leaving loving, thoughtful voicemails if they didn’t answer, and never forget important dates in their lives like birthdays, holidays, graduations, etc. I also advised him to go to any events of their’s that were possible. He didn’t need anyone’s permission to sit in the bleachers and watch their game. The bottom line is he needs to remain as active and present a figure in their lives as possible. In the long run, I told him, he could be confident, that no matter what he had done (or not done) in the past, his consistent acts of love would win back his kids’ hearts eventually.

If you are feeling estranged or separated from those you love because of divorce, never stop loving them, no matter what the challenges may be. Our Lord never stopped loving us, even when it meant hours of grueling torture, and death. Love always wins in the end.

Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:8

Originally posted 2016-04-15 15:08:32.

“Just a little more to the right. No, too far! Back to the left… Just a hair more… Almost… Wait… That’s it!” were the instructions I was barking at my brother one Spring morning when I was a kid. We had won a crystal radio kit the evening before at a Boy Scout meeting and were excitedly putting it together. It was the strangest device. By moving a little needle across a crystal, you could actually pick up radio waves and hear them. The sound was very faint, and you had to get the needle in just the right spot, but, much to our gleeful surprise, we could actually hear music from a local radio station. Oh, the wonders of science!

Surprisingly, life after divorce has a lot in common with that crystal radio. So often, we get consumed in dealing with the trauma that comes with divorce, and focused on rebuilding our lives, that we don’t tune into how God is working (or trying to work) in our lives. As a result, all we hear is our own music — the music of doubt, fear, and despair. When we take time to tune into God, our heads are filled with His music — music of confidence, trust, and hope.

So, take time each day in silent prayer and focus on dialing into how God is alive and working in your life. When you do, you are sure to hear the sweetest music that will lift your spirits and fill you with the courage and confidence you need to keep going on your journey toward healing and abundant life.

I will listen for what God, the Lord, has to say; surely he will speak of peace to his people and to his faithful. May they not turn to foolishness! – Psalms 85:9

Originally posted 2017-10-09 15:38:02.

Recently, a woman shared a story with me about how she had to deal with a very tense situation with her former husband. She explained how she had to wait in line with him for over an hour to get a utility bill changed into her name. He was not making it any easier on her by being very impatient and unpleasant. By the time they got to the window, her former spouse became more obnoxious, making the situation extremely uncomfortable for her and the account representative. During this entire time, she kept her cool. When everything was completed, and her former spouse had left, the account rep complimented this woman on how well she had handled this very difficult situation. Clearly, her patience, self-restraint, and dare I say, charity, spoke volumes.

The woman could have pulled the rip-cord on the entire situation by refusing to deal with her former spouse. But she didn’t. She pressed on, and in doing so, allowed God to bless her and the people around her. So often, we want to cut and run from difficult situations instead of allowing God to bless us in these moments. God only works in the present moment. By being open to how He is working in each moment, even the very trying ones, gives us the opportunity to receive His blessings. This willingness to endure allows blessings to flow and ultimately shared by all involved–even obnoxious former spouses.

Make me a channel of your peace. – Prayer of St. Francis

Originally posted 2014-03-20 11:00:22.

It was almost 3:00 AM, and I was sitting at my desk in my home office working feverishly. It was the night before a crucial divorce court hearing that would determine the fate of me and my children. I was a nervous wreck. I was so afraid that I would forget some vital evidence, or I would fail to give my attorney some critical piece of information. Jesus was the furthest thing from my mind. In my fear, I had driven Christ right out of my situation. I was acting as if it was all up to me. No wonder I was so scared.

In the Gospels, Jesus reminds us over and over again to not be afraid. Why is that? Because He is trying to get through our thick skulls to trust Him with our lives — all of it. You see, trust drives away fear. And trust is the cornerstone of faith. When we have faith, we make a decision, that in spite of the circumstance, we will trust that there is something much greater than our situation: Jesus.

Faith anchors our lives in the truth that Jesus always stands ready to come to our aid at all times, even when it seems hopeless. We just need to invite Him in. That invitation is an act of faith built on the trust that Jesus meant it when He said, “I will never forsake you or abandon you.“*

“Do not be afraid; just have faith.” – Mark 5:36

* Hebrews 13:5

Originally posted 2018-02-22 00:30:47.

One day, as I walked into the kitchen, my four-year-old son was watching his favorite TV show. Patting the seat of his chair, he looked up at me with these big, puppy-dog eyes and said, “Can you come and sit with me?” My heart melted. Even though I had a million things to do, I could not resist the invitation and sat down with him. He snuggled up close to me and rested his head on my chest. We sat there very content for the next twenty minutes silently enjoying each other’s company. It was one of those “moments,” and I came away with a renewed sense of peace, feeling very grateful for the time spent and for my son.

A divorce or separation can crash into your world fragmenting your time, attention, and energy. Whether it’s raising kids as a single parent, working two jobs to make ends meet, coping with the emotional fallout of a dying marriage, or all the above, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

Just as my son invited me to “come sit,” our Lord, Jesus Christ, makes the same invitation to you, every day, 24/7. He is present in the tabernacle of every Catholic church throughout the entire world. Think about that. Our Lord, the Great Healer, the Great Comforter, the Creator of the Universe, is available to you pretty much whenever you want–and most likely within 15-20 minutes of where you are standing. And He is longing for you to come and sit with Him. Take Him up on His invitation often. No matter how difficult or stressful your life may be, He promises that you are sure to come away with a renewed sense of peace and hope. Won’t you come sit with Him?

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. – John 14:27

Originally posted 2014-04-24 06:00:01.

I think this is a great metaphor for what divorce is like. We find ourselves lost in a very uncertain time in our lives. We have no idea what our future holds, and we are filled with fear. In many ways we are in a fight for our lives, too — a fight to preserve our life’s values.  And if we have children, a fight to preserve the best life for them as well. We become consumed with what we need to do to win the fight. We think everything depends on what we do. The truth is, just like Simba and Nala, we need a King to save us. Their king was Mufasa, our King is Christ.

How differently Simba and Nala would have reacted to getting lost if they had known that Mufasa would save them. Sure, they may have been anxious, but they would have navigated through the difficult time with a confidence that comes from trusting in their savior to come through for them. We must do the same. In our case, we do know how the story ends. We were given the spoiler 2,000 years ago when Christ died on the cross and saved us. Let this truth create an envelope of trust around you so you can take on the mighty challenges of divorce knowing, no matter what struggles you face, your Savior will come through for you in the end.

“I will never forsake you or abandon you.” – Hebrews 13:5

Originally posted 2014-09-04 06:00:12.