Shortly after my divorce, I found myself in this great tug-of-war with God. I was willing to give my whole life to Him and trust him completely, except for my intimate life. That was mine to do as I pleased. I reasoned that after all I had been through, it was my right to be happy and intimacy was going to deliver that. Instead, what I found is that the more I kept trying to hold on to that one thing, the more unhappy I became. Like grasping on to one end of a rope, back and forth I went with God. Pleading with him to let me have my way. God was calling me to give my entire self to Him, all my desires and dreams, and I resisted. I kept holding on tightly to that one part of me that I did not want to give up. The tighter I held, the less peace I had.
One day, after reading a passage from C.S. Lewis’s book, Mere Christianity, what I needed to do it hit me like a ton of bricks. The passage is this:
Christ says ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and
so much of your money and so much of your work; I want
You…Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which
you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked–the
whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will
give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’
That day, I let go of the rope. I was terrified because I had no idea of the outcome. Yet, I knew that I had to let go. I had to end the tug-of-war. God was never going to let go. He was never going to abandon me. He was always going to pursue me. Once I let go, a funny thing happened: the very peace that I was yearning for came flooding over me. The exact opposite of what I expected. I thought the only way to find true peace was to preserve myself by pursing what I wanted. I was wrong. What I learned was that the only way to find true, lasting, peace is to surrender all my hopes, desires, and needs–everything–to God and trust Him totally with my life. You know what? He has never let me down!
“No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.” – Matthew 6:24