Few True Friends

Unfortunately, going through a divorce these days is a very public matter. Thanks to the wonders of Facebook, Twitter, and email, it seems the entire world knows all the details of your personal life and trials. You can’t help but feel tried in the court of public opinion. As a result, the tendency is to try and “make your case” with all your friends, family, co-workers, and anyone else who will listen. You seek validation and are often willing to get it from wherever you can.

Be careful. The reality is that you have many acquaintances, but very few true friends. A divorce can ignite the flames of gossip and self-interest. Many people can approach you who seem to want to help, but in reality, they are only interested in what they can get, even if it is a cheap thrill from the nitty-gritty details of your divorce.

Divorce is a time to be selective with whom you confide in. Your parents, your siblings, or a life-long friend, are great advocates for you. They have your best interests at heart, and they tend to have a much clearer perspective on all the events, people, and issues, swirling around you. Pour your heart out to them and listen to them. Fight the temptation to get validation or justification from your neighbors, tennis buddies, or Facebook friends. While it might feel good at first, it rarely will help you in the long run.

Let your acquaintances be many, but one in a thousand your confidant. – Sirach 6:6

Originally posted 2014-07-21 06:00:14.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

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10 thoughts on “Few True Friends

    • I guess my comment should’ve been how did you get remarried if you were a divorced Catholic? I’ve been divorced since October but we were separated for more than a year. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if I find an interest in someone and want to date them. I’m not interested at the current moment. It is too soon. But, my priest tells me if I get remarried it is a sin and I can’t receive the sacrament. He said I can get an annulment. But what are the chances I’ll find another “annulled” Catholic?

      • Susan,

        I suggest you fully recover from your divorce before dating. My Recovering from Divorce program offers a step-by-step process that will ensure your recovery without wasting time trying to figure it out on your own.

        It is only a sin if you get remarried WITHOUT receiving an annulment. The Catholic Church recognizes the permanence of marriage, meaning that a valid marriage is a lifelong bond that can only be ended by the death of one of the spouses. The annulment process examines the marriage to determine if a valid marriage bond exists. If the bond is determined to be valid, you cannot get married again in the Catholic Church. If you should get married again outside the Church, you can no longer receive the sacraments, including the Eucharist and Reconciliation because you are in a permanent state of adultery.

        It is smart to get an annulment before you start dating. This will avoid the problem of falling in love with someone and having to decide between that person and your faith, should your annulment not be granted.

        I think you have reason to be very hopeful about finding another annulled Catholic. The best way is to become one yourself. I know of many divorced Catholics that received an annulment and eventually met and married another annulled Catholic. My advice is to become healed from your divorce first through your Catholic faith. Part of that healing includes receiving an annulment. Stay tuned to my blog as helping divorced Catholics recover from divorce and lead an abundant life is what I am all about!

        Live Abundantly,
        Vince

    • Susan,

      That is a good question! I blog about divorce because I have experienced divorce. It was through the amazing healing I received through the Catholic faith that has allowed me to share my experience of hope and healing with other divorced Catholics. The About Me page on my blog gives all the details. Check it out! https://vincefrese.com/about

      Live Abundantly,
      Vince

  1. I agree, my personal experience is that most of the people have a superficial judgement and a frivolous behaviour regarding your.divorce. They want no problem, so they agree with the person is telling them something at that moment, or with what makes them look like more popular. This is not the best moment for truth to persevere and bright in a pounded way.

    • Fernando,

      You are right. This is why I recommend seeking out one person (usually a family member or close friend) who you can trust to be honest with you, even if it is not what you want to hear. In my case, I had my twin brother. He kept from making a lot of foolish mistakes, I can tell you that! If you don’t already have someone like that in your life, I would suggest praying that the Holy Spirit lead you to such a person.

      Live Abundantly,
      Vince

  2. My estranged husband recently took 2 of our children to the doctor. I was at another appointment with another child. He announced to the entire office that I just took our kids and left him. He failed to mention that he was violent, manipulative, and verbally abuse towards me and that is why I left. My kids were humiliated at their pediatricians office. I am also wondering how will this make me look if I go through the annulment process. I pray that my priest will be there because he knows what I have been through, but what if he is not. Leaving the Church terrifies me.

    • Kim,

      I am so sorry for the suffering your family has had to endure. To determine if a marriage bond is valid, the Church focuses primarily on the evidence prior to the moment you exchanged your vows. Evidence that is provided that occurred after your wedding date is used primarily to support facts about the people involved prior to the wedding. For example, if a spouse exhibits a drinking problem after the wedding, this fact is important if it supports evidence that they had a drinking problem before the wedding that was not made known to the other spouse. What happens after the wedding is not weighed as heavily as what happened before the wedding. So, what happened at the doctor’s office should have no bearing on the outcome of your annulment.

      I hope that helps.

      Live Abundantly,
      Vince

  3. I agree with Vince. I didn’t date for 5 years after our initial and complete separation. I needed that time to heal and strengthen my relationship with Jesus, having him as a real presence instead of some ghost like far away being. Never lose hope, there are other Catholics whom are divorced and have received annulments. They go case by case. God’s love for us is immense and we cannot put limits on it, including if we will find another person we’d actually consider marrying. Frequent confession and mass attendance, journaling, reading Bible or Magnificat prayer guide daily, divorce retreats, this program, and being active with a divorce group with supportive Catholics where the men respect that you are not dating and do not cross those lines have helped me immensely. God’s peace as you walk this journey.

    • Kelly,

      You have detailed a great formula for living an abundant life! I know this works because I have followed the same one, one I teach to as many people as possible. Thanks for sharing your insights and experience.

      Live Abundantly,
      Vince